Its been a tiring stake-out with the books. Just before i let the night lull me to sleep i will spare a moment or two to share some of my thoughts ive had settled in the very core of my soul.
Dreams.
The pursuit of my goals in life is the focus of my being, the purpose of my life. How many people have really found what they really want to do in life? Then again, am i absolutely sure that in five, ten years down the road ill still be harbouring the same dreams ive had now? I suppose no one knows what the future holds so i shall not worry myself unneccessary with that, cuz even if my goals change, i am sure i will be focused towards whatever i do. I am a guy who lives for his dreams.
My life has been full of ironies, and my dreams is no exception to it. Its always been a clash between chasing of dreams vs. realities of life. Unfortunatly, my dream of discovery and invention does not exactly meet the requirements of "success" in terms of reality and society perspectives. What does success really mean? Money? Status?
Money is the reality of life i have come to admit, but i shall never let it cloud my mind. For me, material possessions are for the survival in this world. Money makes the world go round. People spend the whole of their lives working to death. For what purpose? Mainly to make ends meet, to make sure you have a roof over your head, your family well-fed, your fines duely paid. Yes you live on, you survive in this world. You become a statistic, a person trapped in an endless cycle, just to carry on living. As days wear on, you grow more tired of life, you bow down to reality, you wait for your time to come. When you look back, will there be something you would be really proud of? Or will there be endless regrets and what-ifs?
I know myself. At the end of it all, its not the size of my account, nor the amount of material possession that matters. Its the life that ive lived. One that ive spent pursuing my dreams, doing what i really love, and being happy in it. Its what ive accomplished as a human being, not how much material possession i have as a follower of reality.
What really fuels me is the pursuit of my dreams, and an endless process of self-discovery and understanding. I know, my dreams may not lead me to riches, but i am enjoying what im doing. Its my happiness that matters. The fulfillment of my soul, the development of my being, and the enjoyment of living a life.
Dreams are my everything, and no one will ever take it away from me.
For my dreams, for my future....Fight on!!!
I'd recommend this site, if you have a dream to follow:
http://www.wisebread.com/can-you-afford-to-follow-your-dreams-can-you-afford-not-to
Monday, December 03, 2007
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Life Series
Tired. Exam fatigue gnaws on the boundaries of my soul. It eats into my life energy. Much have happened since i last blogged, and i cant wait to update em. Just abit tired so ill just post a short paragraph. :)
In life, things will never always turn out the way you want it to be. Life always throws you a punch when you least expect it. For me, having come to this point in life, its not about how many punches ive received from my life experiences, its about how ive managed to get back up stronger everytime. I am not one to give up. never.
Even if the whole world is against me and my dreams, i will not give up. Cuz i know it myself - if i lose my dreams, i am nothing.
So keep on fighting. One day i will make it to the top. I can do it, and i will do it.
In life, things will never always turn out the way you want it to be. Life always throws you a punch when you least expect it. For me, having come to this point in life, its not about how many punches ive received from my life experiences, its about how ive managed to get back up stronger everytime. I am not one to give up. never.
Even if the whole world is against me and my dreams, i will not give up. Cuz i know it myself - if i lose my dreams, i am nothing.
So keep on fighting. One day i will make it to the top. I can do it, and i will do it.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Whizzing by....
yo! its been quite a whirl on my life right now, so i tot ill just zip by to update myself to myself here. Since im rushing a lab report right now, my brain is working in quite a systematic point form format, i might as well use it. Here's the update so far in my life:
-Science Club Management Committee as Rag Director.
Ive never thought that role was easy and turned out i was more true than ever. Its my first time handling such a big project. The harder it is, the stronger ill become. I see it as a great challenge and i am sure i will learn alot out of this experience.
-Special Programme in Science
In a bid to pursue my dream of being outstanding ad successful in the research field (i have i feeling this dream will get bigger as i discover more of my capabilities), ive joined SPS. Im starting to get more in touch with various aspects of sciences and its been pretty interesting so far, if not time consuming. Ill be looking forward to more in depth research and collaboration with professors who share my passion.
-Family
Im starting to step more into communicating with my family. Thanks to the encouragement of my partner. Im talking more with my dad and sis. Its been great and things are definitely progressing well in my family.
-Friends
Ive been making more friends than ever. The role of Rag director pushes me to go out and meet more people, since the project im running really depends on alot of people power. I have to learn how to socialise effectively and make an impact.
-My partner
dance partner, best of friends...life partner??? Its a mature and stable bond. And its very special. I really couldnt have ask for anyone better. but we wont be together until....
-Myself
Its been crazy inside. After stepping out to the world, my inner world really is going haywire. Things inside sometimes juz stop halfway cuz i have to attend to things in the outside world. I hardly have time for my inner world and listen to my depth of thoughts. Socially, im still in the process of opening up....been meeting alot of new people so im usually more quiet at first...but im sure it'll change in time ;)
Studies....its even more hectic. with so many commitments sometimes i barely have time to finish up things. Its crazy man....24 hours is really not enough. Theres really alot of things to prioritise and think about .
Ok thats the very basic update on my life!!! I guess....its a really fulfilling and challenging phase of my life right now. The days just keep whizzing by.....gosh....
-Science Club Management Committee as Rag Director.
Ive never thought that role was easy and turned out i was more true than ever. Its my first time handling such a big project. The harder it is, the stronger ill become. I see it as a great challenge and i am sure i will learn alot out of this experience.
-Special Programme in Science
In a bid to pursue my dream of being outstanding ad successful in the research field (i have i feeling this dream will get bigger as i discover more of my capabilities), ive joined SPS. Im starting to get more in touch with various aspects of sciences and its been pretty interesting so far, if not time consuming. Ill be looking forward to more in depth research and collaboration with professors who share my passion.
-Family
Im starting to step more into communicating with my family. Thanks to the encouragement of my partner. Im talking more with my dad and sis. Its been great and things are definitely progressing well in my family.
-Friends
Ive been making more friends than ever. The role of Rag director pushes me to go out and meet more people, since the project im running really depends on alot of people power. I have to learn how to socialise effectively and make an impact.
-My partner
dance partner, best of friends...life partner??? Its a mature and stable bond. And its very special. I really couldnt have ask for anyone better. but we wont be together until....
-Myself
Its been crazy inside. After stepping out to the world, my inner world really is going haywire. Things inside sometimes juz stop halfway cuz i have to attend to things in the outside world. I hardly have time for my inner world and listen to my depth of thoughts. Socially, im still in the process of opening up....been meeting alot of new people so im usually more quiet at first...but im sure it'll change in time ;)
Studies....its even more hectic. with so many commitments sometimes i barely have time to finish up things. Its crazy man....24 hours is really not enough. Theres really alot of things to prioritise and think about .
Ok thats the very basic update on my life!!! I guess....its a really fulfilling and challenging phase of my life right now. The days just keep whizzing by.....gosh....
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Me and my inner world
Much to the accuracy of Andy's horoscope analysis, im indeed a person who looks inside myself more than anything else. These days...somehow...i just keep looking inside to try resolve whats really happening. Make no mistake, im still very busy with school and activities. Its just that...i guess i just tend think about too many things...sometimes too complicated, too senseless, or too flighty for my own good. I always wonder y im like that, is it really largely predetermined by the place and time i was borned? Or did past experiences shaped me into who i am today?
Both, i suppose.
Ive always thought that i must face the world out there someday. But before i can do that successfully, i must resolve all issues within myself. Apparently, theres still a lot of work to be done within me. And sometimes i wonder, when will i be ready? Will i ever be ready? I hate to be the peripheral of activities, of conversations, of situations. I want to engage life, i want to be part of actvities. I dont want to stand and observe by the sidelines, as i have for 21 years. Yet, i fear. Or rather, whenever i sense disturbances from within, my consciousness attempts to sink into the deeper realms to reason myself out, thus appearing self-absorbed and in my own world. That is why i thought: i must really resolve whats in before i step out. Apparently, progress is painfully slow and sometimes i really wonder if i can really be able to find my way out of this path all by myself.
Can i just give up trying to solve whats within and just throw myself out to enjoy and grab life without any considerations and worries?.. im still not sure. Im one who usually looks at the path, sometimes taking too long, before i actually make concrete steps. And sometimes, opportunities have already been missed and the path did not look as welcoming as before.
Why am i suddenly having these kinda thoughts i wonder....because....these days....opportunities seem to fly past me so often...yet i was too self-absorbed to make full use of them. Or maybe, its that special someone that make me wonder who i really am now.
Tell me, how do i really step out into the world out there when every step is hindered by my incomprehensible web of unresolved issues?
Haha...but one thing is for sure. I always feel this engine of optimism that never dies even when i force depressing thoughts onto myself. LOL. It is that part in me that brought me this far in life, and he says: WAKE UP YOUR IDEA. LOL.
I guess im a living contradiction. heh heh.
Both, i suppose.
Ive always thought that i must face the world out there someday. But before i can do that successfully, i must resolve all issues within myself. Apparently, theres still a lot of work to be done within me. And sometimes i wonder, when will i be ready? Will i ever be ready? I hate to be the peripheral of activities, of conversations, of situations. I want to engage life, i want to be part of actvities. I dont want to stand and observe by the sidelines, as i have for 21 years. Yet, i fear. Or rather, whenever i sense disturbances from within, my consciousness attempts to sink into the deeper realms to reason myself out, thus appearing self-absorbed and in my own world. That is why i thought: i must really resolve whats in before i step out. Apparently, progress is painfully slow and sometimes i really wonder if i can really be able to find my way out of this path all by myself.
Can i just give up trying to solve whats within and just throw myself out to enjoy and grab life without any considerations and worries?.. im still not sure. Im one who usually looks at the path, sometimes taking too long, before i actually make concrete steps. And sometimes, opportunities have already been missed and the path did not look as welcoming as before.
Why am i suddenly having these kinda thoughts i wonder....because....these days....opportunities seem to fly past me so often...yet i was too self-absorbed to make full use of them. Or maybe, its that special someone that make me wonder who i really am now.
Tell me, how do i really step out into the world out there when every step is hindered by my incomprehensible web of unresolved issues?
Haha...but one thing is for sure. I always feel this engine of optimism that never dies even when i force depressing thoughts onto myself. LOL. It is that part in me that brought me this far in life, and he says: WAKE UP YOUR IDEA. LOL.
I guess im a living contradiction. heh heh.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Finding Myself.
One of the cores in my life would be whats happening within myself. No one knows it. No one sees it. From my perspective, if i cant get my inner workings resolved and solidified, it will be difficult to fully open up to the world out there and show who i really am. Of course, ive also realised i still need to keep in touch with reality while sorting out my inner self. So now im semi-opened to the world out there while having personal time to resolve my internal issues.
I seek the the acceptance and confidence of myself, for who i am, and for what i am not. Many people have surely wrestled with this idea for a long time. Some gave up, some moved on, some are still embroiled in a sea of emotions.
Sometimes i see how people can live up to the crowd, how they blend into social groups seamlessly, how people are attracted to their energy and charisma. I know im capable of doing that, when i fully 'evolve' and have the confidence to show the real me to anyone, anytime. I know i have that kind of charisma and energy, its just about showing it. The problem comes when i fear how people may not like my true self, how people may criticise, how people may be offended.
I am cautious when in comes to relationships. Thats why people normally would know my quiet self (my shield) first before i can warm up to that person. I suppose after the stuff ive been through i dun trust people easily. I need to know the person, establish some rapport and trust, before i can move on to being myself comfortably.
The sad thing comes in here : My shield has protected me for ages. Yet at the same time it has deprived me of things i want. Having my closest, most trusted relationship removed from my life many years ago has certainly set my inner protective mechanism deep in stone. People usually say im shy or quiet. That is true to some extent...because that is my shield set in position...and i wld say the shield has already melded into me. But trust me, the people who know the real me will never say im quiet and shy. In fact i talk and joke alot with them. Well thats another side to me people seldom get the chance to know.
The reason i do not form close bonds with people easily is because i fear that the closer the bond...the more painful and harder it is when the bonds break off (this reminds me of a certain character in FF8). And so the shield prevents people from knowing the real me, and at the same time, prevents me from showing my true self and feeling close attachment to others. Indeed the shield has worked very well...but sometimes...i feel that ive missed many many social opportunities and fun because of that. Sometimes i feel left out...because im not someone who can lift up the crowd and be crazy, with my shield in place. Sometime i feel that this person has the potential to be a great friend, yet my shield prevents me from opening up and i end up probably giving the wrong signal that im antisocial and quiet...when actually inside im not!!! And sometimes i think, why cant i show the charisma? why cant i display the confidence? why can i just be myself in front of everyone???
Things have certainly gotten better as the years gone by. Im letting down my shield bit by bit, im starting to appear more friendly...though i still cant get away from being quiet when the situation somehow makes me wanna set up my shield. Slowly and surely more people are starting to see my natural self. Yes i still need time. I still need time to accept myself. I need to know that the shield has already become part of me, and should i use it all the time...its natural i cant be who i actually am. And it again boils down to the confidence i need to have. I need to know that i am myself and no one can be me. I need to know that even if people might dislike who i am, and that they might have their criticisms, i am still me. As long as i am confortable with being myself, i will live a happy and fulfilled life with no regrets. Certainly its easier said than done. Progress is being made...ive experienced less turmoils compared to years before.
...oh wells theres still more to be said but im getting tired of typing and translating abstract inner thoughts into words. All the best to me!!!
I seek the the acceptance and confidence of myself, for who i am, and for what i am not. Many people have surely wrestled with this idea for a long time. Some gave up, some moved on, some are still embroiled in a sea of emotions.
Sometimes i see how people can live up to the crowd, how they blend into social groups seamlessly, how people are attracted to their energy and charisma. I know im capable of doing that, when i fully 'evolve' and have the confidence to show the real me to anyone, anytime. I know i have that kind of charisma and energy, its just about showing it. The problem comes when i fear how people may not like my true self, how people may criticise, how people may be offended.
I am cautious when in comes to relationships. Thats why people normally would know my quiet self (my shield) first before i can warm up to that person. I suppose after the stuff ive been through i dun trust people easily. I need to know the person, establish some rapport and trust, before i can move on to being myself comfortably.
The sad thing comes in here : My shield has protected me for ages. Yet at the same time it has deprived me of things i want. Having my closest, most trusted relationship removed from my life many years ago has certainly set my inner protective mechanism deep in stone. People usually say im shy or quiet. That is true to some extent...because that is my shield set in position...and i wld say the shield has already melded into me. But trust me, the people who know the real me will never say im quiet and shy. In fact i talk and joke alot with them. Well thats another side to me people seldom get the chance to know.
The reason i do not form close bonds with people easily is because i fear that the closer the bond...the more painful and harder it is when the bonds break off (this reminds me of a certain character in FF8). And so the shield prevents people from knowing the real me, and at the same time, prevents me from showing my true self and feeling close attachment to others. Indeed the shield has worked very well...but sometimes...i feel that ive missed many many social opportunities and fun because of that. Sometimes i feel left out...because im not someone who can lift up the crowd and be crazy, with my shield in place. Sometime i feel that this person has the potential to be a great friend, yet my shield prevents me from opening up and i end up probably giving the wrong signal that im antisocial and quiet...when actually inside im not!!! And sometimes i think, why cant i show the charisma? why cant i display the confidence? why can i just be myself in front of everyone???
Things have certainly gotten better as the years gone by. Im letting down my shield bit by bit, im starting to appear more friendly...though i still cant get away from being quiet when the situation somehow makes me wanna set up my shield. Slowly and surely more people are starting to see my natural self. Yes i still need time. I still need time to accept myself. I need to know that the shield has already become part of me, and should i use it all the time...its natural i cant be who i actually am. And it again boils down to the confidence i need to have. I need to know that i am myself and no one can be me. I need to know that even if people might dislike who i am, and that they might have their criticisms, i am still me. As long as i am confortable with being myself, i will live a happy and fulfilled life with no regrets. Certainly its easier said than done. Progress is being made...ive experienced less turmoils compared to years before.
...oh wells theres still more to be said but im getting tired of typing and translating abstract inner thoughts into words. All the best to me!!!
To myself, follow your mantra : what would you do when you experience no fear? You will reach the skies, you will break your limits, and you will be the best you can ever be. So strive with courage, fight as though your life depends on it, and never ever give up on yourself.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Greater hopes
Hopes and dreams play such a big part of my life. If not for them i wouldnt have reached till this stage of my life...of which i am quite satisfied with..(although there is always plenty of room for improvement). Amidst all the hustle bustle of life in NUS rag...my perspective of life has been getting more optimistic than ever.
Being in Science aint a bad thing afterall. Prospects in Science aint as bad as people say afterall. Friends in Science are great friends indeed. So whats there to worry about?
Modules. Pathing my future is proving to be much of a brain-sapping task. Not that i detest it....i enjoy the control i have over the plotting of my life...but its juz that with all the commitment into rag dance, i do not have the luxury of time to really sit down and have a full analysis of my modular plotting. Well...but im doing well so far... its all about time and energy management. But there are really so many doors of opportunities...i have to maximise my available choice yet still choose the right door to venture into. Man...i love the challenge!!!
Rag Dance. Cant be more fun and crazy. Those buncha peeps are the most fun and happening people around!!! Though i really seem introverted with their super explosive self-high personalities, im really glad they pulled me into it and im starting to open up and be wild too!!! haha..WOOT!!! EXTREMELY FUN!!! but its still tiring to the body..haha.
Social. Friends have always played a key role in my life. Im glad that im making alot of new and close friends!!! A lot of worthy friends are still out there for me to further my understanding. Its been really great!!! I cant wait to get to know even more friends!! :D
Me. Everyday is a great new day (besides crawling outta my bed early for dance and snoozing for 20min every morning). I learn new things, know people better, and know myself better. Im maturing and growing with every experience everyday...everything's looking great!!!
Cant wait for the day we perform for the public at Rag Day and compete for the Chancellor's Shield!!! (Its gonna be ours!!!!). Cant wait for school to start. Cant wait to meet new friends and make closer friends!!!
Cant wait to finally make my first step towards my dream...
Being in Science aint a bad thing afterall. Prospects in Science aint as bad as people say afterall. Friends in Science are great friends indeed. So whats there to worry about?
Modules. Pathing my future is proving to be much of a brain-sapping task. Not that i detest it....i enjoy the control i have over the plotting of my life...but its juz that with all the commitment into rag dance, i do not have the luxury of time to really sit down and have a full analysis of my modular plotting. Well...but im doing well so far... its all about time and energy management. But there are really so many doors of opportunities...i have to maximise my available choice yet still choose the right door to venture into. Man...i love the challenge!!!
Rag Dance. Cant be more fun and crazy. Those buncha peeps are the most fun and happening people around!!! Though i really seem introverted with their super explosive self-high personalities, im really glad they pulled me into it and im starting to open up and be wild too!!! haha..WOOT!!! EXTREMELY FUN!!! but its still tiring to the body..haha.
Social. Friends have always played a key role in my life. Im glad that im making alot of new and close friends!!! A lot of worthy friends are still out there for me to further my understanding. Its been really great!!! I cant wait to get to know even more friends!! :D
Me. Everyday is a great new day (besides crawling outta my bed early for dance and snoozing for 20min every morning). I learn new things, know people better, and know myself better. Im maturing and growing with every experience everyday...everything's looking great!!!
Cant wait for the day we perform for the public at Rag Day and compete for the Chancellor's Shield!!! (Its gonna be ours!!!!). Cant wait for school to start. Cant wait to meet new friends and make closer friends!!!
Cant wait to finally make my first step towards my dream...
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Midnight issues...
Im up. Im still up. These days im just sleeping less and doing more. So this is one of the times i feel my mind's exploding with subconscious issues yet i cant pinpoint what is it exactly. My conscious mind is too tired to sift things out for critical analysis of my inner self.
Everyday i learn new things. Everyday i have new ideas. I dunno how to put it...but with whatever conscious energy i have...i could only come up with this:
I am searching. Searching for something elusive in my life. I dont really know what is it. I have clear goals set out for my life...so what is it that im still searching? A sense of security about my future? A feeling of love to make me feel complete? The bonding of friends to make me feel wanted? ..... i cant really pinpoint it yet....but its juz gnawing inside me. Brooding.
I am not one to let my inner troubles subside and fade...i will pull it out, analyse it, and solve the problem. That is how i keep in touch with my inner self, no matter how tormenting it might be to wage war with my inner self. That is how i learn, that is how i grow, that is how i mature.
Maybe its time....my subconscious is telling me...its time i head to a park or a beach to sit down and 'talk' with myself. To think about my life, my heart, my soul.....
Everyday i learn new things. Everyday i have new ideas. I dunno how to put it...but with whatever conscious energy i have...i could only come up with this:
I am searching. Searching for something elusive in my life. I dont really know what is it. I have clear goals set out for my life...so what is it that im still searching? A sense of security about my future? A feeling of love to make me feel complete? The bonding of friends to make me feel wanted? ..... i cant really pinpoint it yet....but its juz gnawing inside me. Brooding.
I am not one to let my inner troubles subside and fade...i will pull it out, analyse it, and solve the problem. That is how i keep in touch with my inner self, no matter how tormenting it might be to wage war with my inner self. That is how i learn, that is how i grow, that is how i mature.
Maybe its time....my subconscious is telling me...its time i head to a park or a beach to sit down and 'talk' with myself. To think about my life, my heart, my soul.....
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Busy...busy...busy
Was trying to post something about dreams, having watched Pursuit of Happyness some days ago on DVD ...but i dun really have the energy to organise my swirling thoughts and type it out here... so ill just go for something casual for this post.
Yep very busy right now. Extremely busy. Never would i imagine myself to take part in science rag dance!!! haha well its hell lots of fun getting involved in something brand new!! but its very tiring, especially when its 4 days a week and 7 hrs a day... on top of my work. The people there are crazy and have self-explosive personalities so i seemed even more so like some quiet freak...aww damned. Wells good thing is they are all friendly people...abit high and crazy like me when i manage to really let go and let myself out. haha...so im sure ill start to open myself up in time to come!!!
The time i have online right now to chill and listen to songs is really a luxury....
For 4 days everyweek i have to wake up at 7.30 am for dance sessions @ NUS till 4 pm and rush back to work from 5 pm till 10 pm. The remaining weekday w/o dance i have to work from 9.30 am till 11 pm to cover up my lost working hours due to dance. (actually its self-imposed cuz i got work responsibilities i cant let go). Weekends? I still work from 9.30 am to 6 pm and theres tuition till 9 pm after that. So everyday i go out b4 the sun is fully up and come back after the sun is way down. If there happen to be ANY free time, they will be given to my bros, my friends, and the sci rag events.
Haha no wonder my IC at work calls me a superman...lol...everyday i have schedules fully packed and everyday i sleep less than 6 hrs... yet i can still keep my spirits and energy up (i think...)
Well im not complaining cuz i really think im making every minute of my life count. Im trying out new things, making many new friends, and still chasing my goals and dreams!!! Aside from some emotional setback...my life couldnt be more fulfilling. 24 hrs a day is simply not enough!!!
Yep very busy right now. Extremely busy. Never would i imagine myself to take part in science rag dance!!! haha well its hell lots of fun getting involved in something brand new!! but its very tiring, especially when its 4 days a week and 7 hrs a day... on top of my work. The people there are crazy and have self-explosive personalities so i seemed even more so like some quiet freak...aww damned. Wells good thing is they are all friendly people...abit high and crazy like me when i manage to really let go and let myself out. haha...so im sure ill start to open myself up in time to come!!!
The time i have online right now to chill and listen to songs is really a luxury....
For 4 days everyweek i have to wake up at 7.30 am for dance sessions @ NUS till 4 pm and rush back to work from 5 pm till 10 pm. The remaining weekday w/o dance i have to work from 9.30 am till 11 pm to cover up my lost working hours due to dance. (actually its self-imposed cuz i got work responsibilities i cant let go). Weekends? I still work from 9.30 am to 6 pm and theres tuition till 9 pm after that. So everyday i go out b4 the sun is fully up and come back after the sun is way down. If there happen to be ANY free time, they will be given to my bros, my friends, and the sci rag events.
Haha no wonder my IC at work calls me a superman...lol...everyday i have schedules fully packed and everyday i sleep less than 6 hrs... yet i can still keep my spirits and energy up (i think...)
Well im not complaining cuz i really think im making every minute of my life count. Im trying out new things, making many new friends, and still chasing my goals and dreams!!! Aside from some emotional setback...my life couldnt be more fulfilling. 24 hrs a day is simply not enough!!!
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Why do good guys always lose out in BGR???
Actually...part of me has already analysed the answer through my past readings in psychology and some personal experiences...but...i still hate to swallow the fact that good, nice guys will always lose out in getting a gal they want to 'bad', or rather guys with an attitude.
Ive heard countless stories. Good, nice guy chases gal, showers her with love, care, concern like no other. Gal accepts it. Then here are the three most general options (i think) when the nice guy expresses his liking.....
OPTION 1 : give him a chance to become a boyfriend. he continues showering her with utmost care and concern. May have long-term relationship depending on personality match. but gal MAY take nice guy's concern for granted, comment theres no spark or chemistry and end it off. (maybe) theres alot of variations to this, but so far ive seen more sad stories than happy ones.
OPTION 2: give him a praise of 'nice guy' as a certificate of recognition for being the nicest guy to her... and stay that way. he will always be her guardian angel, her best friend.pronto.(not that the nice guy wld mind. actually he knows this is coming and will stay contented that way. stupid nice guys. so nice they are dumb)
"stay there for me, u r the nicest person to me. but sorry, we cant work out in bgr. thanks."
OPTION 3: sharp gal sees it coming. Before the nice guy makes any obvious moves of declaration, she drops hints to him to let him know that its not possible. Sharp nice guy either gets it, back off, prob still be her best friend. Or dumb nice guy will juz continue to pursue her until something makes him realise juz how stupid he is.
Haha...these are the few general options ive come up with. Sigh...but seriously i tink theres nth wrong with gals. 'bad' guys with an attitude are always appealing, charismatic, romantic...who wun like em? Nice guys sometimes fail to make the relationship exciting. They cant spice things up. Yes they have all the sweet nice gestures but over time gals may take it for granted. Prob gals want an exciting dramatic relationship than a dull one...i really dunno.
....can anyone enlighten me on this, please? but then again...whose reading this blog anyways?
hey dingli of the future, how will u tink of it then? lost faith in gals liao? become super 'niao3' with an attitude? cant be bothered liao? or are u still the same and is still collecting the recognition of nice guy certificate and compiling them to albums?
I noe i have an attitude....just gotta bring 'him' out.
'hey dingli, u r a nice guy' -_-
yeah i noe...and sometimes...i dread hearing that...cuz that means its gonna be tough being her bf....
Sometimes, when this topic hits upon me....juz sometimes...i just feel...im sick of being a nice guy. but i noe i cant get away from it because my inner core is just that....nice. haiz. I guess its time i accept this part of myself and the truth of relationship reality...
To all nice guys in the world... someday, a gal will step into your life and truly appreciate who you really are. Believe... stay firm, your day will come.
CHEERS!!!!.....y is it i still feel the truth gnawing inside....damned...but....
ALL THE BEST, MR NICE GUYS!!!!
............
Ive heard countless stories. Good, nice guy chases gal, showers her with love, care, concern like no other. Gal accepts it. Then here are the three most general options (i think) when the nice guy expresses his liking.....
OPTION 1 : give him a chance to become a boyfriend. he continues showering her with utmost care and concern. May have long-term relationship depending on personality match. but gal MAY take nice guy's concern for granted, comment theres no spark or chemistry and end it off. (maybe) theres alot of variations to this, but so far ive seen more sad stories than happy ones.
OPTION 2: give him a praise of 'nice guy' as a certificate of recognition for being the nicest guy to her... and stay that way. he will always be her guardian angel, her best friend.pronto.(not that the nice guy wld mind. actually he knows this is coming and will stay contented that way. stupid nice guys. so nice they are dumb)
"stay there for me, u r the nicest person to me. but sorry, we cant work out in bgr. thanks."
OPTION 3: sharp gal sees it coming. Before the nice guy makes any obvious moves of declaration, she drops hints to him to let him know that its not possible. Sharp nice guy either gets it, back off, prob still be her best friend. Or dumb nice guy will juz continue to pursue her until something makes him realise juz how stupid he is.
Haha...these are the few general options ive come up with. Sigh...but seriously i tink theres nth wrong with gals. 'bad' guys with an attitude are always appealing, charismatic, romantic...who wun like em? Nice guys sometimes fail to make the relationship exciting. They cant spice things up. Yes they have all the sweet nice gestures but over time gals may take it for granted. Prob gals want an exciting dramatic relationship than a dull one...i really dunno.
....can anyone enlighten me on this, please? but then again...whose reading this blog anyways?
hey dingli of the future, how will u tink of it then? lost faith in gals liao? become super 'niao3' with an attitude? cant be bothered liao? or are u still the same and is still collecting the recognition of nice guy certificate and compiling them to albums?
I noe i have an attitude....just gotta bring 'him' out.
'hey dingli, u r a nice guy' -_-
yeah i noe...and sometimes...i dread hearing that...cuz that means its gonna be tough being her bf....
Sometimes, when this topic hits upon me....juz sometimes...i just feel...im sick of being a nice guy. but i noe i cant get away from it because my inner core is just that....nice. haiz. I guess its time i accept this part of myself and the truth of relationship reality...
To all nice guys in the world... someday, a gal will step into your life and truly appreciate who you really are. Believe... stay firm, your day will come.
CHEERS!!!!.....y is it i still feel the truth gnawing inside....damned...but....
ALL THE BEST, MR NICE GUYS!!!!
............
The SCAMP experience!!!!
Last week has been a helluva lifetime experience for me. I took part in Science Camp (SCAMP) and i never regret the decision at all....though initially i was getting worried how i might clamp up as always in front of gals there.
Well it turned out very well!!! I managed to break through my social barriars and really made many many friends! Ive never chatted so much with gals before so it was really a refreshing experience for a guy whose been gal-shy for the past 21 yrs. ...I guess for the past many years ive just been seeing gals as aliens..they are humans afterall....though very different from guys...haha.
Back to SCAMP. It was really really great fun! Theres games where i get covered with flour, ketchup, detergent; scavenger hunt where we walked around the campus looking for stuff; mass dance which i really enjoyed; amazing race 'round the island; war and beach games; special pal session; fright night and many more!!!
Ive thoroughly enjoyed myself over the 5 days with each and every activity and its really gonna something ill remember for the rest of my life. The memories still ring clear in my mind....i guess its time to enjoy life while im still young!!!
Well it turned out very well!!! I managed to break through my social barriars and really made many many friends! Ive never chatted so much with gals before so it was really a refreshing experience for a guy whose been gal-shy for the past 21 yrs. ...I guess for the past many years ive just been seeing gals as aliens..they are humans afterall....though very different from guys...haha.
Back to SCAMP. It was really really great fun! Theres games where i get covered with flour, ketchup, detergent; scavenger hunt where we walked around the campus looking for stuff; mass dance which i really enjoyed; amazing race 'round the island; war and beach games; special pal session; fright night and many more!!!
Ive thoroughly enjoyed myself over the 5 days with each and every activity and its really gonna something ill remember for the rest of my life. The memories still ring clear in my mind....i guess its time to enjoy life while im still young!!!
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Grabbing Life...and never letting go
Phew...this is actually one of the few rare days where somehow i have the luxury of half a day at home juz doing what i want to do: chilling at home, lazing around watching tv, night surfing internet with Class 95/933 blasting in my house via that excellent stereo system(yep home alone again!). Theres still some SCAMP stuff to be settled...some admin stuff...but im sure those can be easily done. I haven had the time to focus on my chem for a long long time...juz feels weird to not have chem in my brain for so long....must read up on it later!
Anyway....these days 24hrs a day is simply not enough!!! i still do not have time to commit to everything! i have friends, work, family, colleagues, and few privileged special ones to attend to...theres juz not enough time!!! nowadays im juz rushing everywhere...i simply do not have time to just sit down and find time for myself!!!! oh my....phew...but it does feel great somewhat to have such a busy and occupied life! the only thing ive got to find is that perfect balance to find time for myself...hmm...
Amidst all that busy life, my goal is still clear: i will give my very best effort in chem!!! i will definitely make it!!! heh...juz bring it on!!!
Anyway....these days 24hrs a day is simply not enough!!! i still do not have time to commit to everything! i have friends, work, family, colleagues, and few privileged special ones to attend to...theres juz not enough time!!! nowadays im juz rushing everywhere...i simply do not have time to just sit down and find time for myself!!!! oh my....phew...but it does feel great somewhat to have such a busy and occupied life! the only thing ive got to find is that perfect balance to find time for myself...hmm...
Amidst all that busy life, my goal is still clear: i will give my very best effort in chem!!! i will definitely make it!!! heh...juz bring it on!!!
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Uncovering the depths
Its been quite a hectic life for the past few months. Mainly with work and friends. Weekdays im busy with work, weekends are always fully book from day till night. Nowadays i hardly have time to juz sit down, chill out, and uncover myself.
That makes any personal time all the more precious than ever.
Having dug deeper into myself these few weeks, ive finally reached the soft spot of my core - my heart. Who really knew that underneath that cold exterior of mine is a hot-hearted guy? Not many i suppose...
ive told myself that in order to really make it in my life, ive got to unleash that inner self thats been trapped within all these years. Easy to say...but its so hard to achieve, and its definitely one of the few self-improvement projects ive been working on myself these days.
Its not as easy as it seems. ....maybe ill go into all the subconscious relationships and stuff when im in the mood. but to sum it up, its to do with acknowledgement and validation. I know i need it, but one of the main barriers i need to overcome before i push my true self into the world out there is myself.
Deep within me, ive always been looking for validation and acknowledgement from others. I respond to everyone's demands at the expense of my own needs. I try to make everyone happy even if i have to be the one to suffer in the end. I withhold my opinions and actions; i hide behind that cold exterior because i do not want any conflict. Ultimately i want people not to hate me, even if it would mean most wldnt even know the real me at all. I would rather choose anonymity than animosity.
But sometimes, relationships is about showing your true self. Some might not like you, but ultimately you will have the chance to find really close friends that will stand by you throughout your life.
So now ive finally found my true self after all these years. Im still fine tuning myself, and adjusting how i should present myself to people. Slowly but surely, im breaking outta my barrier. But after all these years....one of the important lessons ive learnt is that ive been wrong in trying to seek validation of my existance from others.
Sometimes, its the acknowledgement of yourself by yourself that really matters. I am who i am. The person ive actually looked upon becoming for the past few years is actually residing inside me all this while. The person ive dream to become is actually my true self. So now, im starting to learn to accept myself for who i am, and not feel dejected over who i am not. Yes ive got my shortcomings too, but i noe i am a very special person. No one can ever be me, neither can i be anyone else except myself.
This would be my current progress. A crucial step towards my inner development. After ive ingrained my self acceptance....then i can move on to the next stage.....my emotional self....one of the toughest places in my heart that ive always fear tackling.....
That makes any personal time all the more precious than ever.
Having dug deeper into myself these few weeks, ive finally reached the soft spot of my core - my heart. Who really knew that underneath that cold exterior of mine is a hot-hearted guy? Not many i suppose...
ive told myself that in order to really make it in my life, ive got to unleash that inner self thats been trapped within all these years. Easy to say...but its so hard to achieve, and its definitely one of the few self-improvement projects ive been working on myself these days.
Its not as easy as it seems. ....maybe ill go into all the subconscious relationships and stuff when im in the mood. but to sum it up, its to do with acknowledgement and validation. I know i need it, but one of the main barriers i need to overcome before i push my true self into the world out there is myself.
Deep within me, ive always been looking for validation and acknowledgement from others. I respond to everyone's demands at the expense of my own needs. I try to make everyone happy even if i have to be the one to suffer in the end. I withhold my opinions and actions; i hide behind that cold exterior because i do not want any conflict. Ultimately i want people not to hate me, even if it would mean most wldnt even know the real me at all. I would rather choose anonymity than animosity.
But sometimes, relationships is about showing your true self. Some might not like you, but ultimately you will have the chance to find really close friends that will stand by you throughout your life.
So now ive finally found my true self after all these years. Im still fine tuning myself, and adjusting how i should present myself to people. Slowly but surely, im breaking outta my barrier. But after all these years....one of the important lessons ive learnt is that ive been wrong in trying to seek validation of my existance from others.
Sometimes, its the acknowledgement of yourself by yourself that really matters. I am who i am. The person ive actually looked upon becoming for the past few years is actually residing inside me all this while. The person ive dream to become is actually my true self. So now, im starting to learn to accept myself for who i am, and not feel dejected over who i am not. Yes ive got my shortcomings too, but i noe i am a very special person. No one can ever be me, neither can i be anyone else except myself.
This would be my current progress. A crucial step towards my inner development. After ive ingrained my self acceptance....then i can move on to the next stage.....my emotional self....one of the toughest places in my heart that ive always fear tackling.....
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Welcome home...
I always have this dreadful feeling when im making my way home after work. While i wait for the elevator to ride up to the fifteenth floor, my heart cant help but sink.
The first step out of the lift always seemed heavy. I dragged myself out of the lift and let my gaze wander upon the place ive called home for the past 8 years.
Dark. Lifeless. Silent.
Empty.
I stood outside the door - It never failed to remind me of the excellent paint job ive done on it.
Fished for my keys - In its usual spot as always.
Pushed open that stubborn door - It always seemed to be semi-stucked.
Sometimes my sis wld be slumped on the sofa watching tv/reading book.
"HI!! kor kor!!!"
"halo! wa work very tired" .....
But more often than not, ill be greeted by silence and darkness.
Nothing out of the ordinary, things have been like that for the past years....but sometimes....sometimes i juz wished...
someone would genuinely be expecting me home.....and when i reached home with a tired mind and body, someone would just be there, greeting me with a warm, lovely smile....
"Hey, Welcome Home!!!"
The first step out of the lift always seemed heavy. I dragged myself out of the lift and let my gaze wander upon the place ive called home for the past 8 years.
Dark. Lifeless. Silent.
Empty.
I stood outside the door - It never failed to remind me of the excellent paint job ive done on it.
Fished for my keys - In its usual spot as always.
Pushed open that stubborn door - It always seemed to be semi-stucked.
Sometimes my sis wld be slumped on the sofa watching tv/reading book.
"HI!! kor kor!!!"
"halo! wa work very tired" .....
But more often than not, ill be greeted by silence and darkness.
Nothing out of the ordinary, things have been like that for the past years....but sometimes....sometimes i juz wished...
someone would genuinely be expecting me home.....and when i reached home with a tired mind and body, someone would just be there, greeting me with a warm, lovely smile....
"Hey, Welcome Home!!!"
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Destination
I guess the word Destination is derived from the word Destiny. So what would be my destination in life 5 years from now? I asked myself this question during my many thinking times and here is the description of me, 5 years from now!!! This is not a possibility, but something that i believe i will come to be, and something that i will strive to be. Consider it goal setting, but i believe i can do it.
Mr Ong Ding Li. 26 years old. Young, aspiring chemistry student undergoing his Master's Programme. His determination, passion, intelligence, and creativity has made him become one of the few top students around who has a bright future in paving the future path of revolutionary research. He is also an excellent team player who has a natural charisma and the ability to lead his team to achieve great heights. His ideas and perspective are always refreshing and interesting. Although he has reported having extreme social difficulties especially with regards to the female crowd, he has shown no hint of his mentioned weakness. He is confident, charming, and a joy to interact with. He blends into any conversation seamlessly and has a wide network of friends. As a friend, he is loyal, trustworthy and will always be willing to provide a helping hand or a listening ear when in need. But bear in mind he is not a pushover, for his sharp observation skills can see right through your intentions should you try to take advantage of his kindness. As a worker, he is fast, efficient and conducts himself with impressive discipline and determination. As a leader, he is gentle yet decisive. He is not one to mess around with because he always gets his priorities right. He motivates people well and is sharp and focused in team management. He works hard, but he plays hard as well. Theres always a wild side of him that draws people to him. He enjoys socialising with friends and is always willing to commit his precious time to friendships.
.....wahaha....wow....i think if i think long enough the list will never end. But basically this is what i want to become. Of cuz besides having the above description i want to be a happy person, that is of utmost importance. The backbone of my future will be an all rounded guy pursuing his life dream with passion and determination.
I think all that is lacking now is my self-confidence, self-esteem. That, i realised, is the prime barrier i have with regards to displaying my true self. Im now trying to improve myself on this. I realised that once i have that confidence that grows from within, and not dependent on outside opinions, i will be able to show my true self. Once im confident of myself, i can speak without fear, act without doubts, think without worries. I can touch the sky, and i will reach the peak.
Just give me time. And in Year 2012, January 30th. I will become who ive aspired to be. And by then, should i chanced upon this post, i will be thinking, hey 21 year old Ding!!! dammit u missed out way too many points!!! and what u described of me is too understated!!!!!
wahahahhaha.
this is a promised ive made to myself. I hope i will always be reminded of this. Time to do something about my life.... and take the world by storm.
Mr Ong Ding Li. 26 years old. Young, aspiring chemistry student undergoing his Master's Programme. His determination, passion, intelligence, and creativity has made him become one of the few top students around who has a bright future in paving the future path of revolutionary research. He is also an excellent team player who has a natural charisma and the ability to lead his team to achieve great heights. His ideas and perspective are always refreshing and interesting. Although he has reported having extreme social difficulties especially with regards to the female crowd, he has shown no hint of his mentioned weakness. He is confident, charming, and a joy to interact with. He blends into any conversation seamlessly and has a wide network of friends. As a friend, he is loyal, trustworthy and will always be willing to provide a helping hand or a listening ear when in need. But bear in mind he is not a pushover, for his sharp observation skills can see right through your intentions should you try to take advantage of his kindness. As a worker, he is fast, efficient and conducts himself with impressive discipline and determination. As a leader, he is gentle yet decisive. He is not one to mess around with because he always gets his priorities right. He motivates people well and is sharp and focused in team management. He works hard, but he plays hard as well. Theres always a wild side of him that draws people to him. He enjoys socialising with friends and is always willing to commit his precious time to friendships.
.....wahaha....wow....i think if i think long enough the list will never end. But basically this is what i want to become. Of cuz besides having the above description i want to be a happy person, that is of utmost importance. The backbone of my future will be an all rounded guy pursuing his life dream with passion and determination.
I think all that is lacking now is my self-confidence, self-esteem. That, i realised, is the prime barrier i have with regards to displaying my true self. Im now trying to improve myself on this. I realised that once i have that confidence that grows from within, and not dependent on outside opinions, i will be able to show my true self. Once im confident of myself, i can speak without fear, act without doubts, think without worries. I can touch the sky, and i will reach the peak.
Just give me time. And in Year 2012, January 30th. I will become who ive aspired to be. And by then, should i chanced upon this post, i will be thinking, hey 21 year old Ding!!! dammit u missed out way too many points!!! and what u described of me is too understated!!!!!
wahahahhaha.
this is a promised ive made to myself. I hope i will always be reminded of this. Time to do something about my life.... and take the world by storm.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Destiny...
Much have been said about one's own destiny. The discussion never ends. My thoughts regarding my destiny never stopped. So ive always asked myself, what is my destiny?
If destiny is an intended life path governed by fate, then do we even have any freedom in governing our own lives? Is everything about independence, freewill nothing but an illusion. Is my current self a result of moulding by my enviroment and will, or is it predestined that i will become such a person, and everything i do that leads to my current self is also all destined?
Most would argue: Destiny!? Hah! i govern my own life, i live it my way, i am the only person who can change my own life. I applaud their confidence and strength. But i seek the truth. Is what we perceive really the truth? You may feel control over your own life, but ultimately, what you think, how you think, how you respond, the choices in your mind, are drawn from a collection of your past histories, of things you have learnt over the years. So is it your freewill governing your life? Or is it a series of events which has shaped into who you are to respond in such a way? You may think that with a decision, comes endless possiblities. but your past histories has shaped you into who you are, and the decisions that you are going to make, will just become a natural choice that depicts who you already are. It may not be so unpredictable afterall. So is it really freewill? Or is it an illusion of freewill?
Yes the past histories that has shaped you now is so intricately interwoven that you might say it has nothing to do with fate or destiny. But some things dont happen because of chance. They happen because there is no other way it could have happened otherwise. somehow, one way or another, it will still end up with the same scenario. I know this doesnt make sense, but thats how i perceive things.
So enough about the past for now. As i look forward, i wonder if my future has already been set because the path that i will ultimately follow will lead me to the same point, no matter how i walk it. hmm....maybe this post is also predestined because with the things ive experienced in my life leads me to become a person who thinks deep into issues and posts it on the blog. would really like to continue....but these thoughts are still swimming crazily in my head...cant really put into words.
maybe ill continue this discussion someday....if fate permits. but no matter what, ill never give up on working hard on improving myself on every possible aspect. This is who i am, this is how my path of destiny has shaped me, and i believe this path will lead me to much greater heights to come.
If destiny is an intended life path governed by fate, then do we even have any freedom in governing our own lives? Is everything about independence, freewill nothing but an illusion. Is my current self a result of moulding by my enviroment and will, or is it predestined that i will become such a person, and everything i do that leads to my current self is also all destined?
Most would argue: Destiny!? Hah! i govern my own life, i live it my way, i am the only person who can change my own life. I applaud their confidence and strength. But i seek the truth. Is what we perceive really the truth? You may feel control over your own life, but ultimately, what you think, how you think, how you respond, the choices in your mind, are drawn from a collection of your past histories, of things you have learnt over the years. So is it your freewill governing your life? Or is it a series of events which has shaped into who you are to respond in such a way? You may think that with a decision, comes endless possiblities. but your past histories has shaped you into who you are, and the decisions that you are going to make, will just become a natural choice that depicts who you already are. It may not be so unpredictable afterall. So is it really freewill? Or is it an illusion of freewill?
Yes the past histories that has shaped you now is so intricately interwoven that you might say it has nothing to do with fate or destiny. But some things dont happen because of chance. They happen because there is no other way it could have happened otherwise. somehow, one way or another, it will still end up with the same scenario. I know this doesnt make sense, but thats how i perceive things.
So enough about the past for now. As i look forward, i wonder if my future has already been set because the path that i will ultimately follow will lead me to the same point, no matter how i walk it. hmm....maybe this post is also predestined because with the things ive experienced in my life leads me to become a person who thinks deep into issues and posts it on the blog. would really like to continue....but these thoughts are still swimming crazily in my head...cant really put into words.
maybe ill continue this discussion someday....if fate permits. but no matter what, ill never give up on working hard on improving myself on every possible aspect. This is who i am, this is how my path of destiny has shaped me, and i believe this path will lead me to much greater heights to come.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
a neverending journey of self-discovery and growth...
so here i am again, rambling away with my seemingly senseless thoughts. am i....really just an empty shell? am i someone with no particularly distinctive personality? ....am i juz a plain mirror who reflects whoever i interact with? i dunno, but i think that is what most people think. Oh Dingli ar....he quiet, ya he's nice....ya. and basically thats all people (esp gals) know about me. I dont blame them, that has been how ive always portrayed myself to others. hmm...when will i ever break out of my little shell and show who i really am. but have i found who i really am? dunno.
Maybe i reflect upon my inner world too much. but who really ever seek the truth about themselves? Generally people will juz think, i am me, thats it. But are you being your true self? are you true to yourself? or are you juz being a person who is shaped by how others want you to be? Are you truly happy inside? ....sigh that is what i seek, i think. that inner happiness, that seems to be eternally devoid from my soul.
My self-esteem has never really been showing....i think that really affected how i interact with people. I lack social confidence. I do have a silent confidence regarding my abilities, but when called upon to advertise myself and show people my charisma, i fail pathetically. how can i really learn. And if i do learn, is it all just an act? an act of false charisma and confidence? .....or can i really gain a strong inner confidence such that i will inexplicably exude my own charisma, not because of practise, but because i am just confident being who i am in front of anyone, anytime.
i wonder if im being too idealistic, setting those seemingly impossible level of emotional and spiritual enlightenment. thus far, only my bros know who i really am....others? im juz a 'quiet, nice guy'. what a sad label. what a sad label have i landed myself upon.
how???...how am i suppose to grow out of this shell. will that time ever come? or am i juz looking at the wrong perspective altogether? that is why i am always thinking deeply inside...thinking...thinking....when will it ever end.............
Maybe i reflect upon my inner world too much. but who really ever seek the truth about themselves? Generally people will juz think, i am me, thats it. But are you being your true self? are you true to yourself? or are you juz being a person who is shaped by how others want you to be? Are you truly happy inside? ....sigh that is what i seek, i think. that inner happiness, that seems to be eternally devoid from my soul.
My self-esteem has never really been showing....i think that really affected how i interact with people. I lack social confidence. I do have a silent confidence regarding my abilities, but when called upon to advertise myself and show people my charisma, i fail pathetically. how can i really learn. And if i do learn, is it all just an act? an act of false charisma and confidence? .....or can i really gain a strong inner confidence such that i will inexplicably exude my own charisma, not because of practise, but because i am just confident being who i am in front of anyone, anytime.
i wonder if im being too idealistic, setting those seemingly impossible level of emotional and spiritual enlightenment. thus far, only my bros know who i really am....others? im juz a 'quiet, nice guy'. what a sad label. what a sad label have i landed myself upon.
how???...how am i suppose to grow out of this shell. will that time ever come? or am i juz looking at the wrong perspective altogether? that is why i am always thinking deeply inside...thinking...thinking....when will it ever end.............
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Me? who?
Once again i ask myself, who am i? Different situations present a different type of me. i am like water or air - formless. i have my own properties but more often then not i am shaped by the surroundings im in. U can say im flexible because i have different faucets of me being dominant in different scenarios. But juz like air i am invisible. I do not show my distinct personality except when put to the test. I am hanging around in the background, waiting to be discovered, waiting to be seen. No one can really remember me, no one really knows me. You can say im free-spirited, but sometimes i juz wish someone can recognise my true self. Up till now no one has ever mentioned the one sentence that i wish to hear my whole life. It was supposed to be said by my mum....and that one sentence would really make a whole lot of difference for me...but...im still waiting.....whenever that may be.
I know being quiet has its advantages...i guess...or is this just self-consoling? I can stand back and observe who they really are, what they are really thinking. Sigh...but being quiet causes me to be left out most of the time. I dont really blame the circumstances, who really wants a quiet, non-existant person to have fun around? Who really would enjoy the company of a person who is silent? I am not exactly quiet, juz in my own whole most of the time, and dont really noe what to say when the situation calls for it.
Sigh....i hate this part of myself. yet theres part of me who thinks i am special in this way. but....who else noes? who else would acknowledge me? is this quiet personality me? or is it just a cold exterior i put on to avoid myself from being hurt emotionally?
i dont know. i really dont know....
I know being quiet has its advantages...i guess...or is this just self-consoling? I can stand back and observe who they really are, what they are really thinking. Sigh...but being quiet causes me to be left out most of the time. I dont really blame the circumstances, who really wants a quiet, non-existant person to have fun around? Who really would enjoy the company of a person who is silent? I am not exactly quiet, juz in my own whole most of the time, and dont really noe what to say when the situation calls for it.
Sigh....i hate this part of myself. yet theres part of me who thinks i am special in this way. but....who else noes? who else would acknowledge me? is this quiet personality me? or is it just a cold exterior i put on to avoid myself from being hurt emotionally?
i dont know. i really dont know....
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
My greatest adversary
I suppose im into one of my blue thinking mood again. Ever since ill reached an age where i can think for myself, ive always been looking inwards to answers. Answers about my life, my goals, my problems. There always seemed to be an endless supply of questions but i can never get them fully answered. One question will always lead to furthur complications. And this is one of the times in my current period of life when i constantly review who i was, who i am, and who i will be.
For years ive been carrying sort of a multiple personalities around. Theres the real me, the one only my brothers know fully of, free of restriction, free of self-consciousness, and full of craziness. And theres another me of total opposition, fully shackled by self-consciousness, shy, quiet, burdened. My life normally revolves around these two personality. And then theres a hidden darkness within me, one that has been scarred by past experiences and events, one that is dark and powerful. Everyday is a battle within myself with my life-long adversary - myself. I seek the truth of the world. But before i can embark upon my life journey, i must first seek to uncover the truth of myself.
Im not too sure whats going on inside me. But i know things are changing, i am taking shape, shaping into a personality which i will take on to my adulthood. Im liking some aspects of it, but there are also some things due for changes.
One of my issues would be : is my quiet personality good? sigh...yes ive been stuck with this issue for many years. But i keep tinking...is quiet really bad? I know in exchange for my lack of social abilities, i have honed my observational skills.
yet when i see how easy extroverts seem to weave into crowds of strangers and acquintances, how fast they garner attention from those around them, and how people favour them for their company....my heart grows ever much colder. I can only sit quietly in one corner and watch the intricate dance of social interaction around me. I observe. But when called upon to participate, i fail bitterly. sigh... i know this is who i am around others, and i try to take heart that someday people will discover who i am under that seemingly quiet exterior.....but who will ever make that effort in this reality?
Just who am I? ...my battle within continues...and i hope 5 years from now...when i chanced upon this post, i have already won the war.
For years ive been carrying sort of a multiple personalities around. Theres the real me, the one only my brothers know fully of, free of restriction, free of self-consciousness, and full of craziness. And theres another me of total opposition, fully shackled by self-consciousness, shy, quiet, burdened. My life normally revolves around these two personality. And then theres a hidden darkness within me, one that has been scarred by past experiences and events, one that is dark and powerful. Everyday is a battle within myself with my life-long adversary - myself. I seek the truth of the world. But before i can embark upon my life journey, i must first seek to uncover the truth of myself.
Im not too sure whats going on inside me. But i know things are changing, i am taking shape, shaping into a personality which i will take on to my adulthood. Im liking some aspects of it, but there are also some things due for changes.
One of my issues would be : is my quiet personality good? sigh...yes ive been stuck with this issue for many years. But i keep tinking...is quiet really bad? I know in exchange for my lack of social abilities, i have honed my observational skills.
yet when i see how easy extroverts seem to weave into crowds of strangers and acquintances, how fast they garner attention from those around them, and how people favour them for their company....my heart grows ever much colder. I can only sit quietly in one corner and watch the intricate dance of social interaction around me. I observe. But when called upon to participate, i fail bitterly. sigh... i know this is who i am around others, and i try to take heart that someday people will discover who i am under that seemingly quiet exterior.....but who will ever make that effort in this reality?
Just who am I? ...my battle within continues...and i hope 5 years from now...when i chanced upon this post, i have already won the war.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The same dream. A different ending.
Ive been making efforts to remember at least one dream i had the first thing i wake up. Sometimes i dont remember a shred of it, sometimes a remember bits and pieces only to forget it altogether, but theres also times like today, when i remember i dream so intriguing that it keeps me thinking about it the whole day. Let me see if i can remember enought to write it down...since its been about half a day since i woke up.
I dunno how it began....but i was at this block. A flat. A special one....at the middle of its level is a interconnecting platform with a commercial zone. Stores, malls, shops. I forgot what happened before i reached there, but i was just wandering around the area.
What is weird was that i had revisit this same area in a different perspective before. My entrance was from a different place, and it was with some kids, or friends, or relatives and we were just shopping around the area. This time, i was alone in the area, but not lonely. I was just happily exploring the area myself. The area was closed unlike the last time i visited it in my dream. It was peacefully quiet. I walked my way towards the end of some aisle and down to another level.
That was when a mother and a boy came to my view. They were behind me, when the kid started to run towards me playfully. I dunno why but i also started running away....it was quite exhilerating. I turned right to a corner and went around a wall while the kid got tricked and ran the other direction. I took the opportunity and exited the level via an elevator. Upon reaching some other floor...i found out that the kid was already waiting for me at the entrance...-_-.
Now things get ever more weird...and intriguing too. This new level...ive been there before. It was of a dirt land. Groups of piglike mosters, lotsa hyenas, and a large monkey group. My previous dream experience with that area wasnt nice to say the least. I was hit hard by monkey throwing stuff and chased until i nearly fainted by those pig monsters and those crazy hyenas...i forgot how i ran away from them.
This time, it was different. I chose a different route to avoid the pig monsters first. The hyenas spotted me and the chase began. I ran hard...but this time not with fear...but with tactics in my mind. I was ready to meet their challenge. I ran in large circles such that the difference in their speeds gradually separated the faster ones from slower ones. Thats when i picked them out one by one with my kicks while staring fiercely at them to scare them away. After dealing with the hyenas and approached the pigs and squashed their faces flat after some fight. Phew...it was some dream. But i ended victorious....things have certainly change...i guess im more able to face challenges now...at least in my dreams. haha...
I dunno how it began....but i was at this block. A flat. A special one....at the middle of its level is a interconnecting platform with a commercial zone. Stores, malls, shops. I forgot what happened before i reached there, but i was just wandering around the area.
What is weird was that i had revisit this same area in a different perspective before. My entrance was from a different place, and it was with some kids, or friends, or relatives and we were just shopping around the area. This time, i was alone in the area, but not lonely. I was just happily exploring the area myself. The area was closed unlike the last time i visited it in my dream. It was peacefully quiet. I walked my way towards the end of some aisle and down to another level.
That was when a mother and a boy came to my view. They were behind me, when the kid started to run towards me playfully. I dunno why but i also started running away....it was quite exhilerating. I turned right to a corner and went around a wall while the kid got tricked and ran the other direction. I took the opportunity and exited the level via an elevator. Upon reaching some other floor...i found out that the kid was already waiting for me at the entrance...-_-.
Now things get ever more weird...and intriguing too. This new level...ive been there before. It was of a dirt land. Groups of piglike mosters, lotsa hyenas, and a large monkey group. My previous dream experience with that area wasnt nice to say the least. I was hit hard by monkey throwing stuff and chased until i nearly fainted by those pig monsters and those crazy hyenas...i forgot how i ran away from them.
This time, it was different. I chose a different route to avoid the pig monsters first. The hyenas spotted me and the chase began. I ran hard...but this time not with fear...but with tactics in my mind. I was ready to meet their challenge. I ran in large circles such that the difference in their speeds gradually separated the faster ones from slower ones. Thats when i picked them out one by one with my kicks while staring fiercely at them to scare them away. After dealing with the hyenas and approached the pigs and squashed their faces flat after some fight. Phew...it was some dream. But i ended victorious....things have certainly change...i guess im more able to face challenges now...at least in my dreams. haha...
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Flighty thoughts
My mind is always wandering, to my world of imagination, of endless possibilities, to endless worries, to future planning, to hopes, dreams, aspirations. Not many people can connect with me on that kind of level. Far and few. I will allow interaction with others only when i settle down my mind back to Earth and start reaching out to others. And should anyone try to shackle me to the ground, i will fly even higher and further than before.
Sad to say, as much as i want a person to accompany me as i glide through my world, no one can reach that level of understanding. Not many people can attune to my wavelength naturally unless i allow myself to attune to theirs. Im a person with no entertaining entertainment. haha....in the eyes of others im just a plain boring guy who has a very aged soul. It is my inner thoughts that bring me life and passion, yet no one has really contact with it. And after some well learnt lessons i probably will be even more cautious towards letting anyone close to my inner world. Self-protection is inherent in everyone, i suppose...just probably more inherent in me.
So now my path is to reach my goals in life...the pursuit of discovery and truth of the world. It has never been this clear before. Now that the fog has dispersed, my path is true, i shall take actions to make my dreams become reality. Perseverance is the only thing i have. But as much as my goals are important to me, a part of me still calls out for someone who can actually let my soul take flight.
Sad to say, as much as i want a person to accompany me as i glide through my world, no one can reach that level of understanding. Not many people can attune to my wavelength naturally unless i allow myself to attune to theirs. Im a person with no entertaining entertainment. haha....in the eyes of others im just a plain boring guy who has a very aged soul. It is my inner thoughts that bring me life and passion, yet no one has really contact with it. And after some well learnt lessons i probably will be even more cautious towards letting anyone close to my inner world. Self-protection is inherent in everyone, i suppose...just probably more inherent in me.
So now my path is to reach my goals in life...the pursuit of discovery and truth of the world. It has never been this clear before. Now that the fog has dispersed, my path is true, i shall take actions to make my dreams become reality. Perseverance is the only thing i have. But as much as my goals are important to me, a part of me still calls out for someone who can actually let my soul take flight.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller,
long I stoodAnd looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
Robert Frost
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller,
long I stoodAnd looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
Robert Frost
Been thinking...
My life has been pretty monotonous these days. I guess its my job. I do like my job and im glad that my relationship with my colleagues ( 9 out of 10 are gals) is growing well. But these days im just pretty bummed out after work...considering that im working 9 hours 5 days a wekk and at the end of the day i reach home at 10 theres only a few hours of leisure before i end my day and restart the same schedule all over again.
Work has been hectice but manageable, i try to find new challenges everyday, make things interesting in my life. I still enjoy training my observational skills. Silently observing different people- their habits, their personality, their working style, trying to unmask them from their exterior. Im also happy that ive started to pick up my old hobbie of playing chess again....mentally streneous but always exciting to the mind. Ive definitely learnt alot of things in the company, skills that not only can be applied academically, but towards all aspects of my life too. It has not been wasted time.
But i still worry about me and my chosen field: chemistry. Its always about prospects(Chem engrg) vs passion (chemistry). Most people would surely chose chem engrg if given my situation.....and yes this was confirmed by the answers i got from various people. Currently Chemistry is what i really like...or at least now i tink so...what i fear is that what if halfway i decide that actually im not really cut out for it? Is Chemistry my lifelong passion? Will i really go all the way to pursue it? Or is this all a lack of confidence and self-doubt?
This is one of the times i followed my heart and chose Chemistry. My logical self would have chosen Chem engrg without a doubt. But i just had to follow my instinct. I just know that this is the choice for me. Till now my logical self hasnt won over my instinct and passion on Chemistry.
I know that im after the truth of the world, i want to discover how it really works, i dont wanna be in charge of managing reaction processes in plants. I want to explore and be on the forefront of scientific discoveries. I want to pursue my passion of science and set new boundaries for exploration. I want to invent things that will revolutionise the world. I do not want to be just a statistic, i want to make a name for myself. And should i chance upon this post in future, remember Dingli, this is your ultimate life goal. Dare to dream, but dare to step out and reach for it with all the effort u can muster. Never stop trying, for I am going to make my mark someday.
Work has been hectice but manageable, i try to find new challenges everyday, make things interesting in my life. I still enjoy training my observational skills. Silently observing different people- their habits, their personality, their working style, trying to unmask them from their exterior. Im also happy that ive started to pick up my old hobbie of playing chess again....mentally streneous but always exciting to the mind. Ive definitely learnt alot of things in the company, skills that not only can be applied academically, but towards all aspects of my life too. It has not been wasted time.
But i still worry about me and my chosen field: chemistry. Its always about prospects(Chem engrg) vs passion (chemistry). Most people would surely chose chem engrg if given my situation.....and yes this was confirmed by the answers i got from various people. Currently Chemistry is what i really like...or at least now i tink so...what i fear is that what if halfway i decide that actually im not really cut out for it? Is Chemistry my lifelong passion? Will i really go all the way to pursue it? Or is this all a lack of confidence and self-doubt?
This is one of the times i followed my heart and chose Chemistry. My logical self would have chosen Chem engrg without a doubt. But i just had to follow my instinct. I just know that this is the choice for me. Till now my logical self hasnt won over my instinct and passion on Chemistry.
I know that im after the truth of the world, i want to discover how it really works, i dont wanna be in charge of managing reaction processes in plants. I want to explore and be on the forefront of scientific discoveries. I want to pursue my passion of science and set new boundaries for exploration. I want to invent things that will revolutionise the world. I do not want to be just a statistic, i want to make a name for myself. And should i chance upon this post in future, remember Dingli, this is your ultimate life goal. Dare to dream, but dare to step out and reach for it with all the effort u can muster. Never stop trying, for I am going to make my mark someday.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
those were the days...??
.....and so i heaved a huge sigh, not of relief, but a desperate attempt to calm myself down. My mind and body was tense, perhaps in a state of alert. I picked up my black bag...it felt much heavier than i had remembered. Slowly i made my way towards the old dilapidated basketball court. My heart was heavy. The sight that dawned upon me wasnt encouraging either.
There it was -- a basketball court filled with hundred odd people like myself. Carrying a black bag, dressed in casual clothes and wearing a look of anxiety and uncertainty. Some were just sitting down, stoned, thinking of what was about to come, maybe pysching themselves up for the challenges ahead; some were trying hard to liven up the atmosphere. making small talk, horsing around, joking, wrestling out their pent up stress. but somehow it would always end with an uneasy silence, a sigh of unwilling acceptance, or perhaps a wail of unfairness.
Me? i silently walked up to a group of friends and listened to what they have to say. Rumours mostly, of what happened during the event for the previous years, of what we were about to encounter, about whether we can pull through this ordeal with our heads held high. There was alot of uncertainty about whether we can survive, but there was definitely no doubt about the sufferings that we had to endure.
Time's up. It was time to gather and march towards doomsday. I wasnt sure whether it was marching or a reluctant dragging of bodies. The sounds of our feet dragging sounded like a desperate plea to release us from our shackles. We sang our song, loud, but neither with zest nor power. It was more like shouting, releasing of pent up stress and apprehension. Our instructors greeted us upon our entry. They waved, smiled, and smirked. I didnt like the looks of it. We didnt like what this was pointing to. And so we sang, or rather, screamed louder.
It felt quite good. That few minutes of shouting out did me well, for awhile at least. We were supposed to take a rest before things got going. No one really had the mood for it. So we sauntered around our block and took peeps at the preparations of the big event. It was big. People were moving around everywhere. Large trolleys of equipment was being ferried to various key locations. It was one of the few times i actually see our instructors working so hard for us. No one was really impressed by their effort, we knew what they were setting up wasnt some paradise hotel, but a hell's den made specially for us.
Finally an order. In a bid to calm our nerves we were introduced to some hollywood war movie. I forgot the title but it didnt matter. It managed to distract me for a few hours, although i zoned out most of the time. Next was the pizza party. Loads of pizza were bought, but we didnt really enjoyed it. It was mostly out of necessity rather than enjoyment that we managed to swallow down the pizza. Instructors were casually chatting up with us, serving us drinks and pizza, enjoying the music and being merry. Occasionally i caught a few sadistic smiles coming our direction. Like a predator sizing up its prey. I didnt like the looks of it. I ate faster. I wolved down everything given to me. A short brief was given and we were back to our rooms, waiting for the moment to come. Some tried to take a nap, some tried their to calm themselves, some juz sit and wait.
The sun went down, together with my courage. Fear and darkness accompanied me. It was night. The most important question in our heads were: When is it gonna start? Can i pull through this? Preparations were done and all everyone was waiting for was time. With our designated team, we shut ourselves in rooms, awaiting the moment of ignition.
It was a long, long wait. I didnt know how much time had past, but it was deep into the night. I tried to sleep, but to no avail, my mind and body were extremely tensed up. It was survival, it was war. I called to my comrates, they too were wide awake. Everyone was. Each and every single sound in our surroundings was responded to. Our senses were heightened, and our minds sharp and ready.
They made a mistake. We had given them too much respect. Despite their experience they could not hide their presence well. Their ambush cover was blown and the message of initiation was spreading within our camps like wildfire. I readied myself with my equipment. There was no more fear. It was purely on survival instinct. Silence. Pindrop silence. Everyone was waiting in anticipation. My blood was raging and my body on fire. My mind was in a hyper intense and focused state. Everyone stood by their doors, awaiting that final signal to engage.
A small unsuspecting can rolled by the corridor. Before we knew it, BOOM!!! Columns of smoke and bright flash erupted everywhere. Machine guns started firing, thunderous explosion was everywhere. We gathered ourselves, and with a war cry rivalling that of the explosions, we charged out of the rooms. The long awaited time has arrived. Hellweek has finally begun....
There it was -- a basketball court filled with hundred odd people like myself. Carrying a black bag, dressed in casual clothes and wearing a look of anxiety and uncertainty. Some were just sitting down, stoned, thinking of what was about to come, maybe pysching themselves up for the challenges ahead; some were trying hard to liven up the atmosphere. making small talk, horsing around, joking, wrestling out their pent up stress. but somehow it would always end with an uneasy silence, a sigh of unwilling acceptance, or perhaps a wail of unfairness.
Me? i silently walked up to a group of friends and listened to what they have to say. Rumours mostly, of what happened during the event for the previous years, of what we were about to encounter, about whether we can pull through this ordeal with our heads held high. There was alot of uncertainty about whether we can survive, but there was definitely no doubt about the sufferings that we had to endure.
Time's up. It was time to gather and march towards doomsday. I wasnt sure whether it was marching or a reluctant dragging of bodies. The sounds of our feet dragging sounded like a desperate plea to release us from our shackles. We sang our song, loud, but neither with zest nor power. It was more like shouting, releasing of pent up stress and apprehension. Our instructors greeted us upon our entry. They waved, smiled, and smirked. I didnt like the looks of it. We didnt like what this was pointing to. And so we sang, or rather, screamed louder.
It felt quite good. That few minutes of shouting out did me well, for awhile at least. We were supposed to take a rest before things got going. No one really had the mood for it. So we sauntered around our block and took peeps at the preparations of the big event. It was big. People were moving around everywhere. Large trolleys of equipment was being ferried to various key locations. It was one of the few times i actually see our instructors working so hard for us. No one was really impressed by their effort, we knew what they were setting up wasnt some paradise hotel, but a hell's den made specially for us.
Finally an order. In a bid to calm our nerves we were introduced to some hollywood war movie. I forgot the title but it didnt matter. It managed to distract me for a few hours, although i zoned out most of the time. Next was the pizza party. Loads of pizza were bought, but we didnt really enjoyed it. It was mostly out of necessity rather than enjoyment that we managed to swallow down the pizza. Instructors were casually chatting up with us, serving us drinks and pizza, enjoying the music and being merry. Occasionally i caught a few sadistic smiles coming our direction. Like a predator sizing up its prey. I didnt like the looks of it. I ate faster. I wolved down everything given to me. A short brief was given and we were back to our rooms, waiting for the moment to come. Some tried to take a nap, some tried their to calm themselves, some juz sit and wait.
The sun went down, together with my courage. Fear and darkness accompanied me. It was night. The most important question in our heads were: When is it gonna start? Can i pull through this? Preparations were done and all everyone was waiting for was time. With our designated team, we shut ourselves in rooms, awaiting the moment of ignition.
It was a long, long wait. I didnt know how much time had past, but it was deep into the night. I tried to sleep, but to no avail, my mind and body were extremely tensed up. It was survival, it was war. I called to my comrates, they too were wide awake. Everyone was. Each and every single sound in our surroundings was responded to. Our senses were heightened, and our minds sharp and ready.
They made a mistake. We had given them too much respect. Despite their experience they could not hide their presence well. Their ambush cover was blown and the message of initiation was spreading within our camps like wildfire. I readied myself with my equipment. There was no more fear. It was purely on survival instinct. Silence. Pindrop silence. Everyone was waiting in anticipation. My blood was raging and my body on fire. My mind was in a hyper intense and focused state. Everyone stood by their doors, awaiting that final signal to engage.
A small unsuspecting can rolled by the corridor. Before we knew it, BOOM!!! Columns of smoke and bright flash erupted everywhere. Machine guns started firing, thunderous explosion was everywhere. We gathered ourselves, and with a war cry rivalling that of the explosions, we charged out of the rooms. The long awaited time has arrived. Hellweek has finally begun....
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Footprints
People come, people go. Countless people leave footprints in your lives, but which ones really remain with you ? Which ones really accompany you throughout your darkest and happiest moments in life?
For me, im real grateful that ive got 6 of my best buddies with me that has accompanied me through good and bad times. We have weathered through countless storms and come out each time stronger than before. Never have i felt this much happiness around them. They are truly part and parcel of my life. And i would do my best to cherish this friendship between us as long as i live. I do hope the rest of my brothers feel the same way too.
At the end of the day, will your memories fill your heart with loneliness? Or with warmth and happiness? I think its up to the person himself to decide, its up to him to hold on to what really matters.
For me, im real grateful that ive got 6 of my best buddies with me that has accompanied me through good and bad times. We have weathered through countless storms and come out each time stronger than before. Never have i felt this much happiness around them. They are truly part and parcel of my life. And i would do my best to cherish this friendship between us as long as i live. I do hope the rest of my brothers feel the same way too.
At the end of the day, will your memories fill your heart with loneliness? Or with warmth and happiness? I think its up to the person himself to decide, its up to him to hold on to what really matters.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Fear..
Fear. Its something i think each and everyone lives with throughout their lives. It grips your mind, heart and soul. Im sure everyone have their own fears about certain things. Fear of death, fear of loneliness, fear of heights...to name a few. But how many people really have the courage to overcome their fear and break their boundaries?
Of course, its always easier to live within the comforts of your own fear. If you fear heights, well avoid heights then! That way you have minimum encounters with your fears and wont feel hysterical compared to charging straight at overcoming it. I, too, have been a victim of my countless fears. But the thing is, what if your fears are something you deal with day in day out? Something u face everyday and have no control over? For me i have my social fears....its there staring at my face every single day. I really have no choice but to face it head on.
So i sorta devised this psycological response to my fears. When i worry about how people will respond to my conversation, i just ask myself: What would you do if u do not fear this? And most of the time before i know it, what i was thinking of saying would just pop outta my mouth and a conversation would begin.
Its not always as bad as i thought. Fear is always in the mind. Well sometimes things really go wrong, but not all the time. I suppose you just have to move on. So here i am, in a phase of my life where i transit into adulthood. I hope i can overcome as my fears before i really make it out there. Because the real winners in life are those that really make an effort, not to avoid, but to conquer their fears.
Of course, its always easier to live within the comforts of your own fear. If you fear heights, well avoid heights then! That way you have minimum encounters with your fears and wont feel hysterical compared to charging straight at overcoming it. I, too, have been a victim of my countless fears. But the thing is, what if your fears are something you deal with day in day out? Something u face everyday and have no control over? For me i have my social fears....its there staring at my face every single day. I really have no choice but to face it head on.
So i sorta devised this psycological response to my fears. When i worry about how people will respond to my conversation, i just ask myself: What would you do if u do not fear this? And most of the time before i know it, what i was thinking of saying would just pop outta my mouth and a conversation would begin.
Its not always as bad as i thought. Fear is always in the mind. Well sometimes things really go wrong, but not all the time. I suppose you just have to move on. So here i am, in a phase of my life where i transit into adulthood. I hope i can overcome as my fears before i really make it out there. Because the real winners in life are those that really make an effort, not to avoid, but to conquer their fears.
Wow....great new stuff
Wow i must say blogspot is now extremely user-friendly. No more fussing over URL settings, computer language and technicalities. Its just pick and choose my settings and pop they appear on my blog. Love it!
Friday, March 02, 2007
Me and my chess game
My memories are quite hazy when i recall how i first got into contact with international chess.
In steps a teacher:"Anyone interested to join the Chess Club?"
Jasper( the little midget boy with a sassy voice and my good friend in p3): " Hey dingli, you wanna join the Chess with me? I think its fun."
Me(giving my blur face):"huh?. orh, ok lor" (i dun really have any idea what im in for, juz accompanying a friend)
Little did i noe that ill be having a hell lot of fun in Chess.
International Chess has been my hobby and passion since that very day. It has very much shaped who i am today.
Be it good or bad, Chess has made me think alot about my future moves before i take it. When it comes to a move i have to make, i tend to consider the endless possiblities before i make the next move. This mindset pretty much carries into my life and sometimes i take so much time considering my next five moves that i end up missing the crutial first step. haha...
To me, life is just like a game of chess. You make decisions in life every single minute. And you have no idea whether its really a great move until your opponent responds to it. But whats most important about life is that you have to enjoy every single moment of it. Just like chess, u have to enjoy the whole match, be it the ups and downs. Only then can u, at the end of the chess game of life, stand up gracefully, shake your opponent's hand and say"great game", then walk away the true winner.
In steps a teacher:"Anyone interested to join the Chess Club?"
Jasper( the little midget boy with a sassy voice and my good friend in p3): " Hey dingli, you wanna join the Chess with me? I think its fun."
Me(giving my blur face):"huh?. orh, ok lor" (i dun really have any idea what im in for, juz accompanying a friend)
Little did i noe that ill be having a hell lot of fun in Chess.
International Chess has been my hobby and passion since that very day. It has very much shaped who i am today.
Be it good or bad, Chess has made me think alot about my future moves before i take it. When it comes to a move i have to make, i tend to consider the endless possiblities before i make the next move. This mindset pretty much carries into my life and sometimes i take so much time considering my next five moves that i end up missing the crutial first step. haha...
To me, life is just like a game of chess. You make decisions in life every single minute. And you have no idea whether its really a great move until your opponent responds to it. But whats most important about life is that you have to enjoy every single moment of it. Just like chess, u have to enjoy the whole match, be it the ups and downs. Only then can u, at the end of the chess game of life, stand up gracefully, shake your opponent's hand and say"great game", then walk away the true winner.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain
Saturday, February 24, 2007
I am me.
Today is my rest day. A day to recharge and recover. Spent a whole day reading and watching tv. Chanced upon this interview on a foreigner who's been living in Singapore for 8 yrs with his phillipino wife.
Well, besides being impressed with how well he melded into the culture of durians, local jokes, dialects and many others, what struck me the most is his philosophy of life - something ive always been looking for. Here's roughly what he said: " I am me. I am special. No one can be like me, and neither can i be like anyone. What i do is to just be myself. Whatever i do will influence not only how i think and feel inside, but also those people around me. "
What i liked about his philosophy is to just be himself. He does not try to be who he cannot be, or who people want him to be. That is really truth to oneself, something i think i should learn from. I see his passion for his work (even though just a sausage vendor), and his zest for life, and i was really touched by his sincerity in every action and word. "Home is where the heart is" thats what he replied on being away from his homeland for twenty odd years.
I admired his perspective on life. I should, too, stop thinking of what could have been, what might have happened, and just accept myself for who i really am. I should stop searching for my elusive ideal self, because ultimately it has been affected by past unexpected events and what i am now is what i have to work with for the future. Only when ive accepted my flaws, my true self, can i really move on and march bravely into the unknown future. That, i believe, will be my time of reckoning when i can face any life challenge with a smile and know that i am living with passion.
Should i past by Chinatown next time, ill definitely pay this gentle, friendly australian guy a visit. I vaguely remember a cosy small shop set up by a foreigner that resembles a small town bar with some nice music along Chinatown. Ahh...a mug of cold iced beer, a couple of nicely grilled sausages, a starry night sky in a cosy small shop with jazz music, plus a few of my best brothers and that special foreigner who brightened my perspective, that is life .....
Cheers to you Mr. Aussie guy! I might be visiting u soon. Get me a nice cup of beer and some sausages!!!
Well, besides being impressed with how well he melded into the culture of durians, local jokes, dialects and many others, what struck me the most is his philosophy of life - something ive always been looking for. Here's roughly what he said: " I am me. I am special. No one can be like me, and neither can i be like anyone. What i do is to just be myself. Whatever i do will influence not only how i think and feel inside, but also those people around me. "
What i liked about his philosophy is to just be himself. He does not try to be who he cannot be, or who people want him to be. That is really truth to oneself, something i think i should learn from. I see his passion for his work (even though just a sausage vendor), and his zest for life, and i was really touched by his sincerity in every action and word. "Home is where the heart is" thats what he replied on being away from his homeland for twenty odd years.
I admired his perspective on life. I should, too, stop thinking of what could have been, what might have happened, and just accept myself for who i really am. I should stop searching for my elusive ideal self, because ultimately it has been affected by past unexpected events and what i am now is what i have to work with for the future. Only when ive accepted my flaws, my true self, can i really move on and march bravely into the unknown future. That, i believe, will be my time of reckoning when i can face any life challenge with a smile and know that i am living with passion.
Should i past by Chinatown next time, ill definitely pay this gentle, friendly australian guy a visit. I vaguely remember a cosy small shop set up by a foreigner that resembles a small town bar with some nice music along Chinatown. Ahh...a mug of cold iced beer, a couple of nicely grilled sausages, a starry night sky in a cosy small shop with jazz music, plus a few of my best brothers and that special foreigner who brightened my perspective, that is life .....
Cheers to you Mr. Aussie guy! I might be visiting u soon. Get me a nice cup of beer and some sausages!!!
Monday, February 19, 2007
"People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life... I think that what we're really seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance within our innermost being and reality, so that we can actually feel the rapture of being alive." -- Joseph Campbell
Saturday, February 17, 2007
What is life?
This post is especially dedicated to myself. Be forewarned..it will be EXTREMELY long-winded and my english aint good. but to ding li in the future: hey this is what u are thinking when u juz past 21yrs of age. I hope you have achieved what this 21yr old is hoping for. Good luck to you.
Now that the mind-rotting NS process has passed, its back to settling down to my civilian life. So now that im back to my old self....all those deep thinking processes about life have so suddenly kicked back into action once again. And now i continue my long and arduous journey towards self-discovery. Maybe juz sitting in my room and thinking like some Greek doing nothing but building castles in the air is the wrong way....but im still experimenting if this works. So here goes nothing...one of my deepest conflict within.
Wow...soo many issues that i dont even know where to start.
Ok. So ive been thinking this ever since my mum passed away. Yes its been 10years ding, its been a bloody 10 years of blind searching. yet you still have not found the answer to your pathetic miserable life. So the ultimate question of me, what is the meaning of my life? What makes you feel like you have lived life to the fullest, truly?
Why are you working/studying so hard? For success? For fame and fortune? For a settled life? For recognition? Why? WHY?
Yes i totally agree that working/studying hard is a must for my life. It is the prime importance for my survival. It will grant me a good job with secure income. Secure income grants me a life without monetary worries. In other words, i can live a comfortable life. That is so far the only thing that keeps me going in life -- like a robot with no emotions.
The thing is, working hard meets my survival needs. I can survive in this world, but have i lived a life worth living? when i depart this world can i look back and say: yes ive taken life by its reins and lived a life never before? sad to say...while im pondering for an answer, im already wasting all my precious time living like a dead empty vessel.
So ding should u view this post again. What have you become now? Have you finally found what u really want?
Truly, are you really happy inside?
What is true happiness anyway? You are born into this world. You learn, you study, you interact. Upon the age of reckoning u work, u enjoy, u achieve. You live, you die. Throughout your whole life you have an endless pursuit of dreams and goals. But are they what u really want? Or is this what society imposes you to want it?
You have fame. You have an endless supply of money. You have a neverending list of friends, acquintances, colleagues, who are all very much charmed by you. You live in a big house. You are looked up upon in your company. People everywhere acknowledge you and validate your supreme importance in this society. You feel important, you feel your existamce. You feel exhilerated. Upon realising how your life has become a beautiful bed of roses, you tell yourself : "This is life. This is what i live for."
Or is it? Is this what validates your living and existance? Do you really feel happy inside? Or is it society that makes you think u should feel happy and therefore u are happy? The harshness of society forces upon the mindset to everyone that with fame, fortune, career you have everything. You will be happy. You are completely devoid of worries. There countless people out there caught in this endless stream of societal consciousness. They just keep pursuing what they think they need because society will validate it. They have not stopped and think about life. Until the very last moment before they depart this world, they are still thinking about whether they have fulfilled society's demands for a so called complete life.
Here my dilemma. I want fame. I want fortune. I want recognition. I want friends. But is this truly what i want? Will i really be happy should i have all that? Or have i too fallen into society's system. WHAT DO I REALLY WANT WITH MY LIFE? what is the point of anything? what is my purpose in life? Am i just blinding pursuing a good life like everyone else? What is my ultimate aim in life?
i truly admire those people with passion. they have found what they really love and do. but then again...maybe what they love to do is because they are good at it, not because they really like it in the first place.
sigh...this has pretty much kickstarted even more of my inner thinking processes. This part of me screams: Stop sitting there like a bloody philosopher who does nothing but think about life. GO GET A LIFE!!! The other refutes: WHAT LIFE? a life i really want? or a life society deems perfect?
oh my....this is giving my a headache.
Oh...today's 2007 chinese new year's eve.
Happy new year to you!!!
Are you really having a happy new year? Or has this phrase degenerated to a mere greeting with no meaning whatsoever.
Now that the mind-rotting NS process has passed, its back to settling down to my civilian life. So now that im back to my old self....all those deep thinking processes about life have so suddenly kicked back into action once again. And now i continue my long and arduous journey towards self-discovery. Maybe juz sitting in my room and thinking like some Greek doing nothing but building castles in the air is the wrong way....but im still experimenting if this works. So here goes nothing...one of my deepest conflict within.
Wow...soo many issues that i dont even know where to start.
Ok. So ive been thinking this ever since my mum passed away. Yes its been 10years ding, its been a bloody 10 years of blind searching. yet you still have not found the answer to your pathetic miserable life. So the ultimate question of me, what is the meaning of my life? What makes you feel like you have lived life to the fullest, truly?
Why are you working/studying so hard? For success? For fame and fortune? For a settled life? For recognition? Why? WHY?
Yes i totally agree that working/studying hard is a must for my life. It is the prime importance for my survival. It will grant me a good job with secure income. Secure income grants me a life without monetary worries. In other words, i can live a comfortable life. That is so far the only thing that keeps me going in life -- like a robot with no emotions.
The thing is, working hard meets my survival needs. I can survive in this world, but have i lived a life worth living? when i depart this world can i look back and say: yes ive taken life by its reins and lived a life never before? sad to say...while im pondering for an answer, im already wasting all my precious time living like a dead empty vessel.
So ding should u view this post again. What have you become now? Have you finally found what u really want?
Truly, are you really happy inside?
What is true happiness anyway? You are born into this world. You learn, you study, you interact. Upon the age of reckoning u work, u enjoy, u achieve. You live, you die. Throughout your whole life you have an endless pursuit of dreams and goals. But are they what u really want? Or is this what society imposes you to want it?
You have fame. You have an endless supply of money. You have a neverending list of friends, acquintances, colleagues, who are all very much charmed by you. You live in a big house. You are looked up upon in your company. People everywhere acknowledge you and validate your supreme importance in this society. You feel important, you feel your existamce. You feel exhilerated. Upon realising how your life has become a beautiful bed of roses, you tell yourself : "This is life. This is what i live for."
Or is it? Is this what validates your living and existance? Do you really feel happy inside? Or is it society that makes you think u should feel happy and therefore u are happy? The harshness of society forces upon the mindset to everyone that with fame, fortune, career you have everything. You will be happy. You are completely devoid of worries. There countless people out there caught in this endless stream of societal consciousness. They just keep pursuing what they think they need because society will validate it. They have not stopped and think about life. Until the very last moment before they depart this world, they are still thinking about whether they have fulfilled society's demands for a so called complete life.
Here my dilemma. I want fame. I want fortune. I want recognition. I want friends. But is this truly what i want? Will i really be happy should i have all that? Or have i too fallen into society's system. WHAT DO I REALLY WANT WITH MY LIFE? what is the point of anything? what is my purpose in life? Am i just blinding pursuing a good life like everyone else? What is my ultimate aim in life?
i truly admire those people with passion. they have found what they really love and do. but then again...maybe what they love to do is because they are good at it, not because they really like it in the first place.
sigh...this has pretty much kickstarted even more of my inner thinking processes. This part of me screams: Stop sitting there like a bloody philosopher who does nothing but think about life. GO GET A LIFE!!! The other refutes: WHAT LIFE? a life i really want? or a life society deems perfect?
oh my....this is giving my a headache.
Oh...today's 2007 chinese new year's eve.
Happy new year to you!!!
Are you really having a happy new year? Or has this phrase degenerated to a mere greeting with no meaning whatsoever.
A dream of personal awakening?....
i had a strange dream today. Well theres some relative whom ive never seen since last new year...they are down with...erm.....i forgot...its some viral infection that causes high fever but its not malaria. Then theres a gathering with some of my relatives. i guess my brain is reformatting the memories with relatives to make way for upcoming new ones this coming new year. Theres this weird process of some very old person sticking her forehead to my dad's, as though analysing his thoughts and connecting with him.
My dad asked : '' so will my wishes this year come true?"
She gave a shake of her head. Then she moved on to me. did the same forehead sticking process.....i remembered a surge of emotions coming into me, and i desperately summonned all my wishes, put them into feelings and wished they come true.
I never remembered the answer she gave. I hope my wishes for this year really do come true. i hope whoever's viewing this post does too.
My dad asked : '' so will my wishes this year come true?"
She gave a shake of her head. Then she moved on to me. did the same forehead sticking process.....i remembered a surge of emotions coming into me, and i desperately summonned all my wishes, put them into feelings and wished they come true.
I never remembered the answer she gave. I hope my wishes for this year really do come true. i hope whoever's viewing this post does too.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Losing
Yay Singapore are ASEAN football champions. I was flipping channels between gaming and watching the finals between Singapore and Thailand. That 81st minute goal from Singapore was superb and sealed the game. As much as it was exhilerating to see Singapore win the competition, i cant help but feel more towards the Thais. They played quite a good game but still lost in the end.
Well its life i guess, theres always winners n losers. I think i felt more towards the Thais cuz i myself aint much of a high-flying winner in life, or rather i emphatise with losers. ive always tried to console myself by saying failure is not just the path to success, it is part of success itself. you will only feel the high of success when u have toiled hard and failed many times before. Thats what always keep me moving forward despite so many failures. yet i still fear failure, especially in a social context. i think its hard to connect with that never-say-die feeling when it involves connecting with other people as well.
I wish someday ill really be a successful person. ..with my family, friends, and that someone behind me supporting me whereever i go, whatever i do.
Well its life i guess, theres always winners n losers. I think i felt more towards the Thais cuz i myself aint much of a high-flying winner in life, or rather i emphatise with losers. ive always tried to console myself by saying failure is not just the path to success, it is part of success itself. you will only feel the high of success when u have toiled hard and failed many times before. Thats what always keep me moving forward despite so many failures. yet i still fear failure, especially in a social context. i think its hard to connect with that never-say-die feeling when it involves connecting with other people as well.
I wish someday ill really be a successful person. ..with my family, friends, and that someone behind me supporting me whereever i go, whatever i do.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Happy birthday? happy?...maybe
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me--e, Happy Birthday to meeee....(clap clap clap, yay..)
I dunno since when do i feel this way. Maybe sec1? Maybe later? i dunno but i always feel this kind of emptiness and loneliness during my birthday. No its not that no one celebrates it...in fact i always get alot of well-wishes from my dad, my sis, my brothers, and lotsa friends. but its just that...empty feeling. Yes when i celebrate with them i feel elated, i feel special, i think to myself: Family and Friends are important, they play an important part in my life. Yet when left alone, i will be inevitably sucked into this void of emptiness and sorrow. I cant really put it into words, and what i try to explain now is only a very limited description, cuz i still cant fully understand my inner self yet.
I guess birthdays just make me think deeper, i think. Maybe, just maybe its always this day i think to myself, so having lived another year in this world...what have i been doing with my life? Am i satisfied with who i am now? Am i happy with my current situation? Have i achieved what ive set out to conquer? And i guess when i look into these aspect of my life, the answers all end up making me feel rather useless and failed.
I dunno...or maybe its just that all these years in my life, my heart has somehow stoned. Fluttering heart, feelings of pure happiness and elation.... ive put them in words so many times...yet seriously, ive never really felt them before. Emotionless to some extent, mainly i think is a protective mechanism against all the heartaches ive had in my life. Ive always felt this 'other' me inside...the real me, the one unrestricted by my defense mechanism and fears....he is my ideal, he is what ive always strived to be, yet im always so very far from becoming him.
On the 29th, coincidentally, when i was just about to wake up, i remembered this very last part of my dream: I was there, quite another me i must say, talking to another guy(dunno who) very confident, very smart, very charismatic, very assertive. One who, with one look, is someone who's trustworthy,always in cool control, and knows what he's doing (at least thats the feeling i get). My view suddenly become his(the other me) view, and the last words i heard from him was....
"Be true to yourself."
Dont really get what he meant though. I thought ive always been following my principles and morals...so what is it that im not true to myself??? Maybe its for the future, maybe it meant something much deeper for me. Maybe all this is just a crappy dream. But only i know the answer yet i dont know it yet.
But this is what my inner self has given to me on my birthday this very day, and i shall remember it.
Happy birthday to you, Ding.
I dunno since when do i feel this way. Maybe sec1? Maybe later? i dunno but i always feel this kind of emptiness and loneliness during my birthday. No its not that no one celebrates it...in fact i always get alot of well-wishes from my dad, my sis, my brothers, and lotsa friends. but its just that...empty feeling. Yes when i celebrate with them i feel elated, i feel special, i think to myself: Family and Friends are important, they play an important part in my life. Yet when left alone, i will be inevitably sucked into this void of emptiness and sorrow. I cant really put it into words, and what i try to explain now is only a very limited description, cuz i still cant fully understand my inner self yet.
I guess birthdays just make me think deeper, i think. Maybe, just maybe its always this day i think to myself, so having lived another year in this world...what have i been doing with my life? Am i satisfied with who i am now? Am i happy with my current situation? Have i achieved what ive set out to conquer? And i guess when i look into these aspect of my life, the answers all end up making me feel rather useless and failed.
I dunno...or maybe its just that all these years in my life, my heart has somehow stoned. Fluttering heart, feelings of pure happiness and elation.... ive put them in words so many times...yet seriously, ive never really felt them before. Emotionless to some extent, mainly i think is a protective mechanism against all the heartaches ive had in my life. Ive always felt this 'other' me inside...the real me, the one unrestricted by my defense mechanism and fears....he is my ideal, he is what ive always strived to be, yet im always so very far from becoming him.
On the 29th, coincidentally, when i was just about to wake up, i remembered this very last part of my dream: I was there, quite another me i must say, talking to another guy(dunno who) very confident, very smart, very charismatic, very assertive. One who, with one look, is someone who's trustworthy,always in cool control, and knows what he's doing (at least thats the feeling i get). My view suddenly become his(the other me) view, and the last words i heard from him was....
"Be true to yourself."
Dont really get what he meant though. I thought ive always been following my principles and morals...so what is it that im not true to myself??? Maybe its for the future, maybe it meant something much deeper for me. Maybe all this is just a crappy dream. But only i know the answer yet i dont know it yet.
But this is what my inner self has given to me on my birthday this very day, and i shall remember it.
Happy birthday to you, Ding.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
in the middle of nowhere...
So now im gonna ORD. But im not getting that feeling of euphoria that i thought ill have a year ago.
Now that im gonna start another new phase of my life, things juz seem pretty lost to me right now. Dunno what to do....hmm....this cant be happening....mus really do something...i hope
I thought i had an aim in life...but now...things just dont seem so clear to me.
Everything's sorta shrowded...
hope i get out of this fog soon...or ill end up walking into a bottomless pit before i know it.
Now that im gonna start another new phase of my life, things juz seem pretty lost to me right now. Dunno what to do....hmm....this cant be happening....mus really do something...i hope
I thought i had an aim in life...but now...things just dont seem so clear to me.
Everything's sorta shrowded...
hope i get out of this fog soon...or ill end up walking into a bottomless pit before i know it.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Being occupied
ive run out of games. ive run out of entertainment. ive run out of things that engage my mind. i hate this kind of feeling where my mind just goes stale. Yes when playing games its pretty much rotting too but at least im engaged. now im just doing nothing, utter waste of time with zero entertainment or usefulness out of it.
i MUST get an interesting book to read, esp one of chemistry or physics, those will really engage my mind intellectually. As for games...maybe later...right now, my mind craves for intellectual engagement.
Gaaaa...must...use...my....brain....
i MUST get an interesting book to read, esp one of chemistry or physics, those will really engage my mind intellectually. As for games...maybe later...right now, my mind craves for intellectual engagement.
Gaaaa...must...use...my....brain....
Friday, January 19, 2007
Feeling for the momentum
Nowadays i feel that games and tv are a waste of time. You watch, you enjoy, you laugh. But at the end of the day u get close to nothing out of it. Probably some memories to start a conversation with someone who did the same time-wasting thing as you did.
Ideally speaking for me, the most efficient usage of time would be to gain something that will help you in future. Say reading newspaper, studying, researching on acadamics. I say this is my ideal cuz im still a long way to acheiving it. Half of me will always say games n play are essential cuz they are excellent destressors. But how i do hope someday ill change my mindset and say: hey, im stressed..im sure some classical music and some leisure reading of newspaper will help me make my day.
..........
.......
who am i kidding!?....pffft....but its always great to have interest and passion in the neverending pursuit of knowledge, thats for sure. For games...ha...i still require it to destress.
Ideally speaking for me, the most efficient usage of time would be to gain something that will help you in future. Say reading newspaper, studying, researching on acadamics. I say this is my ideal cuz im still a long way to acheiving it. Half of me will always say games n play are essential cuz they are excellent destressors. But how i do hope someday ill change my mindset and say: hey, im stressed..im sure some classical music and some leisure reading of newspaper will help me make my day.
..........
.......
who am i kidding!?....pffft....but its always great to have interest and passion in the neverending pursuit of knowledge, thats for sure. For games...ha...i still require it to destress.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Glimpse into the world out there
haven been able to think deep into things since being thrown into NS. My NS life simply saps away all my mental energies. Now that ORD is near, ive been able to slowly seek and recover my lost inner self. and now...i try to look back at the days...NS really changed my life and how i view this world.
....well looks like im still affected by NS...cuz suddenly i dun feel like writing out my thoughts....haha...ok thats it. I think its alot of effort to try type down my deep thoughts...i think ill just take a step at a time.
But something if its things ive learnt over these two years....one of the lesson is this: Always observe your surroundings. Of things, of people, of happenings. Cuz one fine day a dagger may fly straight at you and you might die without knowing where it hit, how it hit, or who threw it. Just be careful out there.
Lots more to share...but dun feel like it. ciao.
....well looks like im still affected by NS...cuz suddenly i dun feel like writing out my thoughts....haha...ok thats it. I think its alot of effort to try type down my deep thoughts...i think ill just take a step at a time.
But something if its things ive learnt over these two years....one of the lesson is this: Always observe your surroundings. Of things, of people, of happenings. Cuz one fine day a dagger may fly straight at you and you might die without knowing where it hit, how it hit, or who threw it. Just be careful out there.
Lots more to share...but dun feel like it. ciao.
im back.
cant really be bothered with blog template technicalities. hence i opted for the simplest of templetes blogspot has to offer. simplicity at its best. i like it that way. no point making the exterior look great and awe-inspiring when the content is just crap. and content is all that matters anyways...so ill try my best to change the themes of my entry. Enough about whining and complaining ( i hope)....its time to celebrate life, knowledge, and love. yeah.