I seek the the acceptance and confidence of myself, for who i am, and for what i am not. Many people have surely wrestled with this idea for a long time. Some gave up, some moved on, some are still embroiled in a sea of emotions.
Sometimes i see how people can live up to the crowd, how they blend into social groups seamlessly, how people are attracted to their energy and charisma. I know im capable of doing that, when i fully 'evolve' and have the confidence to show the real me to anyone, anytime. I know i have that kind of charisma and energy, its just about showing it. The problem comes when i fear how people may not like my true self, how people may criticise, how people may be offended.
I am cautious when in comes to relationships. Thats why people normally would know my quiet self (my shield) first before i can warm up to that person. I suppose after the stuff ive been through i dun trust people easily. I need to know the person, establish some rapport and trust, before i can move on to being myself comfortably.
The sad thing comes in here : My shield has protected me for ages. Yet at the same time it has deprived me of things i want. Having my closest, most trusted relationship removed from my life many years ago has certainly set my inner protective mechanism deep in stone. People usually say im shy or quiet. That is true to some extent...because that is my shield set in position...and i wld say the shield has already melded into me. But trust me, the people who know the real me will never say im quiet and shy. In fact i talk and joke alot with them. Well thats another side to me people seldom get the chance to know.
The reason i do not form close bonds with people easily is because i fear that the closer the bond...the more painful and harder it is when the bonds break off (this reminds me of a certain character in FF8). And so the shield prevents people from knowing the real me, and at the same time, prevents me from showing my true self and feeling close attachment to others. Indeed the shield has worked very well...but sometimes...i feel that ive missed many many social opportunities and fun because of that. Sometimes i feel left out...because im not someone who can lift up the crowd and be crazy, with my shield in place. Sometime i feel that this person has the potential to be a great friend, yet my shield prevents me from opening up and i end up probably giving the wrong signal that im antisocial and quiet...when actually inside im not!!! And sometimes i think, why cant i show the charisma? why cant i display the confidence? why can i just be myself in front of everyone???
Things have certainly gotten better as the years gone by. Im letting down my shield bit by bit, im starting to appear more friendly...though i still cant get away from being quiet when the situation somehow makes me wanna set up my shield. Slowly and surely more people are starting to see my natural self. Yes i still need time. I still need time to accept myself. I need to know that the shield has already become part of me, and should i use it all the time...its natural i cant be who i actually am. And it again boils down to the confidence i need to have. I need to know that i am myself and no one can be me. I need to know that even if people might dislike who i am, and that they might have their criticisms, i am still me. As long as i am confortable with being myself, i will live a happy and fulfilled life with no regrets. Certainly its easier said than done. Progress is being made...ive experienced less turmoils compared to years before.
...oh wells theres still more to be said but im getting tired of typing and translating abstract inner thoughts into words. All the best to me!!!
To myself, follow your mantra : what would you do when you experience no fear? You will reach the skies, you will break your limits, and you will be the best you can ever be. So strive with courage, fight as though your life depends on it, and never ever give up on yourself.
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