Destination

I guess the word Destination is derived from the word Destiny. So what would be my destination in life 5 years from now? I asked myself this question during my many thinking times and here is the description of me, 5 years from now!!! This is not a possibility, but something that i believe i will come to be, and something that i will strive to be. Consider it goal setting, but i believe i can do it.

Mr Ong Ding Li. 26 years old. Young, aspiring chemistry student undergoing his Master's Programme. His determination, passion, intelligence, and creativity has made him become one of the few top students around who has a bright future in paving the future path of revolutionary research. He is also an excellent team player who has a natural charisma and the ability to lead his team to achieve great heights. His ideas and perspective are always refreshing and interesting. Although he has reported having extreme social difficulties especially with regards to the female crowd, he has shown no hint of his mentioned weakness. He is confident, charming, and a joy to interact with. He blends into any conversation seamlessly and has a wide network of friends. As a friend, he is loyal, trustworthy and will always be willing to provide a helping hand or a listening ear when in need. But bear in mind he is not a pushover, for his sharp observation skills can see right through your intentions should you try to take advantage of his kindness. As a worker, he is fast, efficient and conducts himself with impressive discipline and determination. As a leader, he is gentle yet decisive. He is not one to mess around with because he always gets his priorities right. He motivates people well and is sharp and focused in team management. He works hard, but he plays hard as well. Theres always a wild side of him that draws people to him. He enjoys socialising with friends and is always willing to commit his precious time to friendships.

.....wahaha....wow....i think if i think long enough the list will never end. But basically this is what i want to become. Of cuz besides having the above description i want to be a happy person, that is of utmost importance. The backbone of my future will be an all rounded guy pursuing his life dream with passion and determination.

I think all that is lacking now is my self-confidence, self-esteem. That, i realised, is the prime barrier i have with regards to displaying my true self. Im now trying to improve myself on this. I realised that once i have that confidence that grows from within, and not dependent on outside opinions, i will be able to show my true self. Once im confident of myself, i can speak without fear, act without doubts, think without worries. I can touch the sky, and i will reach the peak.

Just give me time. And in Year 2012, January 30th. I will become who ive aspired to be. And by then, should i chanced upon this post, i will be thinking, hey 21 year old Ding!!! dammit u missed out way too many points!!! and what u described of me is too understated!!!!!

wahahahhaha.

this is a promised ive made to myself. I hope i will always be reminded of this. Time to do something about my life.... and take the world by storm.

Destiny...

Much have been said about one's own destiny. The discussion never ends. My thoughts regarding my destiny never stopped. So ive always asked myself, what is my destiny?

If destiny is an intended life path governed by fate, then do we even have any freedom in governing our own lives? Is everything about independence, freewill nothing but an illusion. Is my current self a result of moulding by my enviroment and will, or is it predestined that i will become such a person, and everything i do that leads to my current self is also all destined?

Most would argue: Destiny!? Hah! i govern my own life, i live it my way, i am the only person who can change my own life. I applaud their confidence and strength. But i seek the truth. Is what we perceive really the truth? You may feel control over your own life, but ultimately, what you think, how you think, how you respond, the choices in your mind, are drawn from a collection of your past histories, of things you have learnt over the years. So is it your freewill governing your life? Or is it a series of events which has shaped into who you are to respond in such a way? You may think that with a decision, comes endless possiblities. but your past histories has shaped you into who you are, and the decisions that you are going to make, will just become a natural choice that depicts who you already are. It may not be so unpredictable afterall. So is it really freewill? Or is it an illusion of freewill?

Yes the past histories that has shaped you now is so intricately interwoven that you might say it has nothing to do with fate or destiny. But some things dont happen because of chance. They happen because there is no other way it could have happened otherwise. somehow, one way or another, it will still end up with the same scenario. I know this doesnt make sense, but thats how i perceive things.

So enough about the past for now. As i look forward, i wonder if my future has already been set because the path that i will ultimately follow will lead me to the same point, no matter how i walk it. hmm....maybe this post is also predestined because with the things ive experienced in my life leads me to become a person who thinks deep into issues and posts it on the blog. would really like to continue....but these thoughts are still swimming crazily in my head...cant really put into words.

maybe ill continue this discussion someday....if fate permits. but no matter what, ill never give up on working hard on improving myself on every possible aspect. This is who i am, this is how my path of destiny has shaped me, and i believe this path will lead me to much greater heights to come.

a neverending journey of self-discovery and growth...

so here i am again, rambling away with my seemingly senseless thoughts. am i....really just an empty shell? am i someone with no particularly distinctive personality? ....am i juz a plain mirror who reflects whoever i interact with? i dunno, but i think that is what most people think. Oh Dingli ar....he quiet, ya he's nice....ya. and basically thats all people (esp gals) know about me. I dont blame them, that has been how ive always portrayed myself to others. hmm...when will i ever break out of my little shell and show who i really am. but have i found who i really am? dunno.

Maybe i reflect upon my inner world too much. but who really ever seek the truth about themselves? Generally people will juz think, i am me, thats it. But are you being your true self? are you true to yourself? or are you juz being a person who is shaped by how others want you to be? Are you truly happy inside? ....sigh that is what i seek, i think. that inner happiness, that seems to be eternally devoid from my soul.

My self-esteem has never really been showing....i think that really affected how i interact with people. I lack social confidence. I do have a silent confidence regarding my abilities, but when called upon to advertise myself and show people my charisma, i fail pathetically. how can i really learn. And if i do learn, is it all just an act? an act of false charisma and confidence? .....or can i really gain a strong inner confidence such that i will inexplicably exude my own charisma, not because of practise, but because i am just confident being who i am in front of anyone, anytime.

i wonder if im being too idealistic, setting those seemingly impossible level of emotional and spiritual enlightenment. thus far, only my bros know who i really am....others? im juz a 'quiet, nice guy'. what a sad label. what a sad label have i landed myself upon.

how???...how am i suppose to grow out of this shell. will that time ever come? or am i juz looking at the wrong perspective altogether? that is why i am always thinking deeply inside...thinking...thinking....when will it ever end.............

Me? who?

Once again i ask myself, who am i? Different situations present a different type of me. i am like water or air - formless. i have my own properties but more often then not i am shaped by the surroundings im in. U can say im flexible because i have different faucets of me being dominant in different scenarios. But juz like air i am invisible. I do not show my distinct personality except when put to the test. I am hanging around in the background, waiting to be discovered, waiting to be seen. No one can really remember me, no one really knows me. You can say im free-spirited, but sometimes i juz wish someone can recognise my true self. Up till now no one has ever mentioned the one sentence that i wish to hear my whole life. It was supposed to be said by my mum....and that one sentence would really make a whole lot of difference for me...but...im still waiting.....whenever that may be.

I know being quiet has its advantages...i guess...or is this just self-consoling? I can stand back and observe who they really are, what they are really thinking. Sigh...but being quiet causes me to be left out most of the time. I dont really blame the circumstances, who really wants a quiet, non-existant person to have fun around? Who really would enjoy the company of a person who is silent? I am not exactly quiet, juz in my own whole most of the time, and dont really noe what to say when the situation calls for it.

Sigh....i hate this part of myself. yet theres part of me who thinks i am special in this way. but....who else noes? who else would acknowledge me? is this quiet personality me? or is it just a cold exterior i put on to avoid myself from being hurt emotionally?

i dont know. i really dont know....

My greatest adversary

I suppose im into one of my blue thinking mood again. Ever since ill reached an age where i can think for myself, ive always been looking inwards to answers. Answers about my life, my goals, my problems. There always seemed to be an endless supply of questions but i can never get them fully answered. One question will always lead to furthur complications. And this is one of the times in my current period of life when i constantly review who i was, who i am, and who i will be.

For years ive been carrying sort of a multiple personalities around. Theres the real me, the one only my brothers know fully of, free of restriction, free of self-consciousness, and full of craziness. And theres another me of total opposition, fully shackled by self-consciousness, shy, quiet, burdened. My life normally revolves around these two personality. And then theres a hidden darkness within me, one that has been scarred by past experiences and events, one that is dark and powerful. Everyday is a battle within myself with my life-long adversary - myself. I seek the truth of the world. But before i can embark upon my life journey, i must first seek to uncover the truth of myself.

Im not too sure whats going on inside me. But i know things are changing, i am taking shape, shaping into a personality which i will take on to my adulthood. Im liking some aspects of it, but there are also some things due for changes.

One of my issues would be : is my quiet personality good? sigh...yes ive been stuck with this issue for many years. But i keep tinking...is quiet really bad? I know in exchange for my lack of social abilities, i have honed my observational skills.

yet when i see how easy extroverts seem to weave into crowds of strangers and acquintances, how fast they garner attention from those around them, and how people favour them for their company....my heart grows ever much colder. I can only sit quietly in one corner and watch the intricate dance of social interaction around me. I observe. But when called upon to participate, i fail bitterly. sigh... i know this is who i am around others, and i try to take heart that someday people will discover who i am under that seemingly quiet exterior.....but who will ever make that effort in this reality?

Just who am I? ...my battle within continues...and i hope 5 years from now...when i chanced upon this post, i have already won the war.