I am me.

Today is my rest day. A day to recharge and recover. Spent a whole day reading and watching tv. Chanced upon this interview on a foreigner who's been living in Singapore for 8 yrs with his phillipino wife.

Well, besides being impressed with how well he melded into the culture of durians, local jokes, dialects and many others, what struck me the most is his philosophy of life - something ive always been looking for. Here's roughly what he said: " I am me. I am special. No one can be like me, and neither can i be like anyone. What i do is to just be myself. Whatever i do will influence not only how i think and feel inside, but also those people around me. "

What i liked about his philosophy is to just be himself. He does not try to be who he cannot be, or who people want him to be. That is really truth to oneself, something i think i should learn from. I see his passion for his work (even though just a sausage vendor), and his zest for life, and i was really touched by his sincerity in every action and word. "Home is where the heart is" thats what he replied on being away from his homeland for twenty odd years.

I admired his perspective on life. I should, too, stop thinking of what could have been, what might have happened, and just accept myself for who i really am. I should stop searching for my elusive ideal self, because ultimately it has been affected by past unexpected events and what i am now is what i have to work with for the future. Only when ive accepted my flaws, my true self, can i really move on and march bravely into the unknown future. That, i believe, will be my time of reckoning when i can face any life challenge with a smile and know that i am living with passion.

Should i past by Chinatown next time, ill definitely pay this gentle, friendly australian guy a visit. I vaguely remember a cosy small shop set up by a foreigner that resembles a small town bar with some nice music along Chinatown. Ahh...a mug of cold iced beer, a couple of nicely grilled sausages, a starry night sky in a cosy small shop with jazz music, plus a few of my best brothers and that special foreigner who brightened my perspective, that is life .....

Cheers to you Mr. Aussie guy! I might be visiting u soon. Get me a nice cup of beer and some sausages!!!

"People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life... I think that what we're really seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance within our innermost being and reality, so that we can actually feel the rapture of being alive." -- Joseph Campbell

What is life?

This post is especially dedicated to myself. Be forewarned..it will be EXTREMELY long-winded and my english aint good. but to ding li in the future: hey this is what u are thinking when u juz past 21yrs of age. I hope you have achieved what this 21yr old is hoping for. Good luck to you.

Now that the mind-rotting NS process has passed, its back to settling down to my civilian life. So now that im back to my old self....all those deep thinking processes about life have so suddenly kicked back into action once again. And now i continue my long and arduous journey towards self-discovery. Maybe juz sitting in my room and thinking like some Greek doing nothing but building castles in the air is the wrong way....but im still experimenting if this works. So here goes nothing...one of my deepest conflict within.

Wow...soo many issues that i dont even know where to start.

Ok. So ive been thinking this ever since my mum passed away. Yes its been 10years ding, its been a bloody 10 years of blind searching. yet you still have not found the answer to your pathetic miserable life. So the ultimate question of me, what is the meaning of my life? What makes you feel like you have lived life to the fullest, truly?

Why are you working/studying so hard? For success? For fame and fortune? For a settled life? For recognition? Why? WHY?

Yes i totally agree that working/studying hard is a must for my life. It is the prime importance for my survival. It will grant me a good job with secure income. Secure income grants me a life without monetary worries. In other words, i can live a comfortable life. That is so far the only thing that keeps me going in life -- like a robot with no emotions.

The thing is, working hard meets my survival needs. I can survive in this world, but have i lived a life worth living? when i depart this world can i look back and say: yes ive taken life by its reins and lived a life never before? sad to say...while im pondering for an answer, im already wasting all my precious time living like a dead empty vessel.

So ding should u view this post again. What have you become now? Have you finally found what u really want?

Truly, are you really happy inside?

What is true happiness anyway? You are born into this world. You learn, you study, you interact. Upon the age of reckoning u work, u enjoy, u achieve. You live, you die. Throughout your whole life you have an endless pursuit of dreams and goals. But are they what u really want? Or is this what society imposes you to want it?

You have fame. You have an endless supply of money. You have a neverending list of friends, acquintances, colleagues, who are all very much charmed by you. You live in a big house. You are looked up upon in your company. People everywhere acknowledge you and validate your supreme importance in this society. You feel important, you feel your existamce. You feel exhilerated. Upon realising how your life has become a beautiful bed of roses, you tell yourself : "This is life. This is what i live for."

Or is it? Is this what validates your living and existance? Do you really feel happy inside? Or is it society that makes you think u should feel happy and therefore u are happy? The harshness of society forces upon the mindset to everyone that with fame, fortune, career you have everything. You will be happy. You are completely devoid of worries. There countless people out there caught in this endless stream of societal consciousness. They just keep pursuing what they think they need because society will validate it. They have not stopped and think about life. Until the very last moment before they depart this world, they are still thinking about whether they have fulfilled society's demands for a so called complete life.

Here my dilemma. I want fame. I want fortune. I want recognition. I want friends. But is this truly what i want? Will i really be happy should i have all that? Or have i too fallen into society's system. WHAT DO I REALLY WANT WITH MY LIFE? what is the point of anything? what is my purpose in life? Am i just blinding pursuing a good life like everyone else? What is my ultimate aim in life?

i truly admire those people with passion. they have found what they really love and do. but then again...maybe what they love to do is because they are good at it, not because they really like it in the first place.

sigh...this has pretty much kickstarted even more of my inner thinking processes. This part of me screams: Stop sitting there like a bloody philosopher who does nothing but think about life. GO GET A LIFE!!! The other refutes: WHAT LIFE? a life i really want? or a life society deems perfect?

oh my....this is giving my a headache.

Oh...today's 2007 chinese new year's eve.

Happy new year to you!!!

Are you really having a happy new year? Or has this phrase degenerated to a mere greeting with no meaning whatsoever.

A dream of personal awakening?....

i had a strange dream today. Well theres some relative whom ive never seen since last new year...they are down with...erm.....i forgot...its some viral infection that causes high fever but its not malaria. Then theres a gathering with some of my relatives. i guess my brain is reformatting the memories with relatives to make way for upcoming new ones this coming new year. Theres this weird process of some very old person sticking her forehead to my dad's, as though analysing his thoughts and connecting with him.

My dad asked : '' so will my wishes this year come true?"

She gave a shake of her head. Then she moved on to me. did the same forehead sticking process.....i remembered a surge of emotions coming into me, and i desperately summonned all my wishes, put them into feelings and wished they come true.

I never remembered the answer she gave. I hope my wishes for this year really do come true. i hope whoever's viewing this post does too.

Losing

Yay Singapore are ASEAN football champions. I was flipping channels between gaming and watching the finals between Singapore and Thailand. That 81st minute goal from Singapore was superb and sealed the game. As much as it was exhilerating to see Singapore win the competition, i cant help but feel more towards the Thais. They played quite a good game but still lost in the end.

Well its life i guess, theres always winners n losers. I think i felt more towards the Thais cuz i myself aint much of a high-flying winner in life, or rather i emphatise with losers. ive always tried to console myself by saying failure is not just the path to success, it is part of success itself. you will only feel the high of success when u have toiled hard and failed many times before. Thats what always keep me moving forward despite so many failures. yet i still fear failure, especially in a social context. i think its hard to connect with that never-say-die feeling when it involves connecting with other people as well.

I wish someday ill really be a successful person. ..with my family, friends, and that someone behind me supporting me whereever i go, whatever i do.