What is life?

This post is especially dedicated to myself. Be forewarned..it will be EXTREMELY long-winded and my english aint good. but to ding li in the future: hey this is what u are thinking when u juz past 21yrs of age. I hope you have achieved what this 21yr old is hoping for. Good luck to you.

Now that the mind-rotting NS process has passed, its back to settling down to my civilian life. So now that im back to my old self....all those deep thinking processes about life have so suddenly kicked back into action once again. And now i continue my long and arduous journey towards self-discovery. Maybe juz sitting in my room and thinking like some Greek doing nothing but building castles in the air is the wrong way....but im still experimenting if this works. So here goes nothing...one of my deepest conflict within.

Wow...soo many issues that i dont even know where to start.

Ok. So ive been thinking this ever since my mum passed away. Yes its been 10years ding, its been a bloody 10 years of blind searching. yet you still have not found the answer to your pathetic miserable life. So the ultimate question of me, what is the meaning of my life? What makes you feel like you have lived life to the fullest, truly?

Why are you working/studying so hard? For success? For fame and fortune? For a settled life? For recognition? Why? WHY?

Yes i totally agree that working/studying hard is a must for my life. It is the prime importance for my survival. It will grant me a good job with secure income. Secure income grants me a life without monetary worries. In other words, i can live a comfortable life. That is so far the only thing that keeps me going in life -- like a robot with no emotions.

The thing is, working hard meets my survival needs. I can survive in this world, but have i lived a life worth living? when i depart this world can i look back and say: yes ive taken life by its reins and lived a life never before? sad to say...while im pondering for an answer, im already wasting all my precious time living like a dead empty vessel.

So ding should u view this post again. What have you become now? Have you finally found what u really want?

Truly, are you really happy inside?

What is true happiness anyway? You are born into this world. You learn, you study, you interact. Upon the age of reckoning u work, u enjoy, u achieve. You live, you die. Throughout your whole life you have an endless pursuit of dreams and goals. But are they what u really want? Or is this what society imposes you to want it?

You have fame. You have an endless supply of money. You have a neverending list of friends, acquintances, colleagues, who are all very much charmed by you. You live in a big house. You are looked up upon in your company. People everywhere acknowledge you and validate your supreme importance in this society. You feel important, you feel your existamce. You feel exhilerated. Upon realising how your life has become a beautiful bed of roses, you tell yourself : "This is life. This is what i live for."

Or is it? Is this what validates your living and existance? Do you really feel happy inside? Or is it society that makes you think u should feel happy and therefore u are happy? The harshness of society forces upon the mindset to everyone that with fame, fortune, career you have everything. You will be happy. You are completely devoid of worries. There countless people out there caught in this endless stream of societal consciousness. They just keep pursuing what they think they need because society will validate it. They have not stopped and think about life. Until the very last moment before they depart this world, they are still thinking about whether they have fulfilled society's demands for a so called complete life.

Here my dilemma. I want fame. I want fortune. I want recognition. I want friends. But is this truly what i want? Will i really be happy should i have all that? Or have i too fallen into society's system. WHAT DO I REALLY WANT WITH MY LIFE? what is the point of anything? what is my purpose in life? Am i just blinding pursuing a good life like everyone else? What is my ultimate aim in life?

i truly admire those people with passion. they have found what they really love and do. but then again...maybe what they love to do is because they are good at it, not because they really like it in the first place.

sigh...this has pretty much kickstarted even more of my inner thinking processes. This part of me screams: Stop sitting there like a bloody philosopher who does nothing but think about life. GO GET A LIFE!!! The other refutes: WHAT LIFE? a life i really want? or a life society deems perfect?

oh my....this is giving my a headache.

Oh...today's 2007 chinese new year's eve.

Happy new year to you!!!

Are you really having a happy new year? Or has this phrase degenerated to a mere greeting with no meaning whatsoever.