Happy birthday? happy?...maybe

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me--e, Happy Birthday to meeee....(clap clap clap, yay..)

I dunno since when do i feel this way. Maybe sec1? Maybe later? i dunno but i always feel this kind of emptiness and loneliness during my birthday. No its not that no one celebrates it...in fact i always get alot of well-wishes from my dad, my sis, my brothers, and lotsa friends. but its just that...empty feeling. Yes when i celebrate with them i feel elated, i feel special, i think to myself: Family and Friends are important, they play an important part in my life. Yet when left alone, i will be inevitably sucked into this void of emptiness and sorrow. I cant really put it into words, and what i try to explain now is only a very limited description, cuz i still cant fully understand my inner self yet.

I guess birthdays just make me think deeper, i think. Maybe, just maybe its always this day i think to myself, so having lived another year in this world...what have i been doing with my life? Am i satisfied with who i am now? Am i happy with my current situation? Have i achieved what ive set out to conquer? And i guess when i look into these aspect of my life, the answers all end up making me feel rather useless and failed.

I dunno...or maybe its just that all these years in my life, my heart has somehow stoned. Fluttering heart, feelings of pure happiness and elation.... ive put them in words so many times...yet seriously, ive never really felt them before. Emotionless to some extent, mainly i think is a protective mechanism against all the heartaches ive had in my life. Ive always felt this 'other' me inside...the real me, the one unrestricted by my defense mechanism and fears....he is my ideal, he is what ive always strived to be, yet im always so very far from becoming him.

On the 29th, coincidentally, when i was just about to wake up, i remembered this very last part of my dream: I was there, quite another me i must say, talking to another guy(dunno who) very confident, very smart, very charismatic, very assertive. One who, with one look, is someone who's trustworthy,always in cool control, and knows what he's doing (at least thats the feeling i get). My view suddenly become his(the other me) view, and the last words i heard from him was....

"Be true to yourself."

Dont really get what he meant though. I thought ive always been following my principles and morals...so what is it that im not true to myself??? Maybe its for the future, maybe it meant something much deeper for me. Maybe all this is just a crappy dream. But only i know the answer yet i dont know it yet.

But this is what my inner self has given to me on my birthday this very day, and i shall remember it.

Happy birthday to you, Ding.

in the middle of nowhere...

So now im gonna ORD. But im not getting that feeling of euphoria that i thought ill have a year ago.

Now that im gonna start another new phase of my life, things juz seem pretty lost to me right now. Dunno what to do....hmm....this cant be happening....mus really do something...i hope

I thought i had an aim in life...but now...things just dont seem so clear to me.
Everything's sorta shrowded...

hope i get out of this fog soon...or ill end up walking into a bottomless pit before i know it.

Being occupied

ive run out of games. ive run out of entertainment. ive run out of things that engage my mind. i hate this kind of feeling where my mind just goes stale. Yes when playing games its pretty much rotting too but at least im engaged. now im just doing nothing, utter waste of time with zero entertainment or usefulness out of it.

i MUST get an interesting book to read, esp one of chemistry or physics, those will really engage my mind intellectually. As for games...maybe later...right now, my mind craves for intellectual engagement.

Gaaaa...must...use...my....brain....

Feeling for the momentum

Nowadays i feel that games and tv are a waste of time. You watch, you enjoy, you laugh. But at the end of the day u get close to nothing out of it. Probably some memories to start a conversation with someone who did the same time-wasting thing as you did.

Ideally speaking for me, the most efficient usage of time would be to gain something that will help you in future. Say reading newspaper, studying, researching on acadamics. I say this is my ideal cuz im still a long way to acheiving it. Half of me will always say games n play are essential cuz they are excellent destressors. But how i do hope someday ill change my mindset and say: hey, im stressed..im sure some classical music and some leisure reading of newspaper will help me make my day.
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who am i kidding!?....pffft....but its always great to have interest and passion in the neverending pursuit of knowledge, thats for sure. For games...ha...i still require it to destress.

Glimpse into the world out there

haven been able to think deep into things since being thrown into NS. My NS life simply saps away all my mental energies. Now that ORD is near, ive been able to slowly seek and recover my lost inner self. and now...i try to look back at the days...NS really changed my life and how i view this world.

....well looks like im still affected by NS...cuz suddenly i dun feel like writing out my thoughts....haha...ok thats it. I think its alot of effort to try type down my deep thoughts...i think ill just take a step at a time.

But something if its things ive learnt over these two years....one of the lesson is this: Always observe your surroundings. Of things, of people, of happenings. Cuz one fine day a dagger may fly straight at you and you might die without knowing where it hit, how it hit, or who threw it. Just be careful out there.

Lots more to share...but dun feel like it. ciao.

im back.

cant really be bothered with blog template technicalities. hence i opted for the simplest of templetes blogspot has to offer. simplicity at its best. i like it that way. no point making the exterior look great and awe-inspiring when the content is just crap. and content is all that matters anyways...so ill try my best to change the themes of my entry. Enough about whining and complaining ( i hope)....its time to celebrate life, knowledge, and love. yeah.