Happy birthday? happy?...maybe

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me--e, Happy Birthday to meeee....(clap clap clap, yay..)

I dunno since when do i feel this way. Maybe sec1? Maybe later? i dunno but i always feel this kind of emptiness and loneliness during my birthday. No its not that no one celebrates it...in fact i always get alot of well-wishes from my dad, my sis, my brothers, and lotsa friends. but its just that...empty feeling. Yes when i celebrate with them i feel elated, i feel special, i think to myself: Family and Friends are important, they play an important part in my life. Yet when left alone, i will be inevitably sucked into this void of emptiness and sorrow. I cant really put it into words, and what i try to explain now is only a very limited description, cuz i still cant fully understand my inner self yet.

I guess birthdays just make me think deeper, i think. Maybe, just maybe its always this day i think to myself, so having lived another year in this world...what have i been doing with my life? Am i satisfied with who i am now? Am i happy with my current situation? Have i achieved what ive set out to conquer? And i guess when i look into these aspect of my life, the answers all end up making me feel rather useless and failed.

I dunno...or maybe its just that all these years in my life, my heart has somehow stoned. Fluttering heart, feelings of pure happiness and elation.... ive put them in words so many times...yet seriously, ive never really felt them before. Emotionless to some extent, mainly i think is a protective mechanism against all the heartaches ive had in my life. Ive always felt this 'other' me inside...the real me, the one unrestricted by my defense mechanism and fears....he is my ideal, he is what ive always strived to be, yet im always so very far from becoming him.

On the 29th, coincidentally, when i was just about to wake up, i remembered this very last part of my dream: I was there, quite another me i must say, talking to another guy(dunno who) very confident, very smart, very charismatic, very assertive. One who, with one look, is someone who's trustworthy,always in cool control, and knows what he's doing (at least thats the feeling i get). My view suddenly become his(the other me) view, and the last words i heard from him was....

"Be true to yourself."

Dont really get what he meant though. I thought ive always been following my principles and morals...so what is it that im not true to myself??? Maybe its for the future, maybe it meant something much deeper for me. Maybe all this is just a crappy dream. But only i know the answer yet i dont know it yet.

But this is what my inner self has given to me on my birthday this very day, and i shall remember it.

Happy birthday to you, Ding.