Humans are pretty much useless body shells without a purpose in life. I dont really know what is my real purpose in life...one that can make my life much more worth living.
What real purpose? I myself dont know what exactly is it...i supposed that is what all humans have to answer in their lives.
What can be truly called an aim, a purpose in life? Yes generally speaking an aim would be what you desire for in your life : wealth, status, success, happiness, love, respect.....etc. And your life's direction would hence be set to fulfill that aim you have...and your life would be so called filled with purpose, because you have so many things to achieve. Im sure thats what most would think of when an aim or purpose in life comes into their minds.
Almost every human has spent their whole lives fulfilling the aims that they have set for themselves. Some achieved it and bask in it. Some failed and spent their whole lives searching for another purpose, or they continue to strive for that purpose till their death. Is that what we are really after? Is that our true purpose in life? No one knows...it is for each one of us humans to find out.
What i think is that all those aims...yes they make ones life enriching and purposeful...but what happens when you have finally achieve it? Do you bask in it forever? Do you look for another challenge in life again? Wont one feel that emptiness after they finally achieved their aims?..because they have spent majority of their lives chasing it, and when they finally grasp it...their life seem to have lost its drive.Of course new challenges can be set...but it can be broken in time...and the whole process just continues.Perhaps its the process that matters??? i really dont know...
....this is making a mess out of my mind...when its already a shit-load of more mess inside. Pardon me if you do not comprehend....because i do not comprehend even my own thoughts right now...theres a big debate inside my mind. Sheesh...ill try to bring this up again next time...until then.......
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Thursday, March 24, 2005
I Lost.
We are all crazy people at times. Sometimes we lose ourselves amidst in our desires. Sometimes we lose ourselves in a moment of strong emotions. Sometimes we lose ourselves when things are not going our way. Me?I lose myself all the time. I lose myself in the times of the past. I lose myself in my own depression.
Why do i allow myself to sink into this bottomless pit? Why...? Its not as if im out of love...in fact im very much in love. But when im alone in my deep dungeon heart...it just happens. Probably because im afraid...but i just dont know what im afraid of...maybe theres too many things i fear that i cant even pinpoint it...or maybe im just a coward who's afraid of everything that might happen in future. Maybe...im just afraid of myself...Him...my darkness self.
Why is it that i like to be depressed with things? Because i lack the courage to venture into the unknown. I fear uncertainty. We all humans do. We love comfort zones that we have grown so familiar in. We do everything to distant ourselves from vulnerabilities. Some face it head on, some run away. Getting depressed requires the least effort compared to striving for happiness. Pathetically, it can be said that getting depressed is within my own expectations such that im comfortable with it in a way.
Yes.I lost the fight.I lost the will to fight my problems. I lost the faith in myself. I lost the hope i once had.I lost my confidence i thought i had.I lost....i lost...
Can anyone really understand how i feel? No...because everyone is concerned with their own troubles...they already have too much to bear for themselves.Everyone is selfish...and that includes myself. Can anyone relate to me? Or are you just viewing some lunatic spewing nonsense about his pathetic life? Do not feel sorry for me if you do not actually know what ive been through and lived through. Im just a crazy person spewing out nonsense about my own lousy life.
Why do i allow myself to sink into this bottomless pit? Why...? Its not as if im out of love...in fact im very much in love. But when im alone in my deep dungeon heart...it just happens. Probably because im afraid...but i just dont know what im afraid of...maybe theres too many things i fear that i cant even pinpoint it...or maybe im just a coward who's afraid of everything that might happen in future. Maybe...im just afraid of myself...Him...my darkness self.
Why is it that i like to be depressed with things? Because i lack the courage to venture into the unknown. I fear uncertainty. We all humans do. We love comfort zones that we have grown so familiar in. We do everything to distant ourselves from vulnerabilities. Some face it head on, some run away. Getting depressed requires the least effort compared to striving for happiness. Pathetically, it can be said that getting depressed is within my own expectations such that im comfortable with it in a way.
Yes.I lost the fight.I lost the will to fight my problems. I lost the faith in myself. I lost the hope i once had.I lost my confidence i thought i had.I lost....i lost...
Can anyone really understand how i feel? No...because everyone is concerned with their own troubles...they already have too much to bear for themselves.Everyone is selfish...and that includes myself. Can anyone relate to me? Or are you just viewing some lunatic spewing nonsense about his pathetic life? Do not feel sorry for me if you do not actually know what ive been through and lived through. Im just a crazy person spewing out nonsense about my own lousy life.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Life And Death
What are we borned in this world for? What exactly is the true purpose of our lives? Have you ever asked yourself similar questions before? Well, i have, every single day of my life ever since the death of my mum, everytime when my mind wanders away,everytime i am depressed and sad. And everytime i find myself sinking to the depths of depression and self-doubt whenever i indulge in this burning question.
My life is a mess, i realised...because all these nineteen years of my life i have been wasting it all...never really realising the true meaning of my life and never living my life with passion and purpose.Living in a mess...living in the past...living in the realms of reality and imagination. A life with only depression, death and decadence...one with no purpose and enthusiasm.
Have you ever come across a stage in your life when you always asked yourself : Life and Death, which should i choose? If i choose life, i will live it with utmost passion and zest.If i choose death it will be the end of everything; my troubles, my friends, my families, my loved. Well i think sometimes death is quite a liberating notion...haha.
So every normal human being...if asked the question of life and death...will most certainly choose the answer 'Life' immediatly. But do they really choose life and live it with zest and passion?? Or do they choose life because they are too afraid of death??? We bother ourselves with selfish troubles, we indulge in them, we allow ourselves to sink into the very depths of depression.It all boils down to a single choice...do i choose life and live it happily or do i choose death and end it all?? Probably the "life and death" question never ever occurred to people before...because they have not experienced traumas and life changing events to actually indulge in the notion of death itself.
So if the question is not asked within themselves.. what do a human being do? They live in the region between life and death....to just survive. Most human beings, including myself, just live to survive...because we have neither chosen life or death and actually living in that decision.We deceive ourselves and say we choose life and live it....but do we really? Do we really live life to the fullest? Me, the loser in my life, the escapist of all my troubles, is wasting my life away by indulging in my troubles and my pathetic past. Or simply running away from the reality of being my sorry self through games and other distractions.
So having said all about that burning question...what is my answer to it?
I choose death...yet i am too cowardly to face the decision of death because of my friends, my family, my love. How i wished i could be extremely selfish and end it all and never face my troubles again. I am too much a loser to tackle my problems in life.I am a failure in life for all these painful years. So now im just plainly surviving... my mind and soul is rotting day by day...every second every minute is a living hel and torture chamber deep within.Everything in my life weighs down on my weary soul...i wish i could just end it all...but i just dont dare to. Maybe i still have that little courage to live on and face all my troubles...or maybe im just too afraid of death.
So now my life is one of death and decadence.A cowardly, rotting soul living in absolute mess and pandemonium within himself. A minute insignificant being indulging in his own sadness and depression..and his only pathetic joy is that of dreaming a passionate and happy life, a life lived to the fullest, a liberating life devoid of his own dreadful shackles. My soul cries every single day, my mind gives up living every single second.I do not believe in gods.Yet everyday in the back of my mind...is a little boy crying for help. A boy shackled deep in the dungeons of depression, a boy who has withstood relentless assault on his mind and soul. He cries for help...but who..who actually has the ability to help him get out of his own dungeon????
No one can help him.Because everyone is still pending on the decision on life and death.They only survive.No one can understand his soul.No one can pull him out of his own quicksand...and he is dying inside his own world...slowly and painfully. Can anyone ever help this little boy? Please...anyone???
My life is a mess, i realised...because all these nineteen years of my life i have been wasting it all...never really realising the true meaning of my life and never living my life with passion and purpose.Living in a mess...living in the past...living in the realms of reality and imagination. A life with only depression, death and decadence...one with no purpose and enthusiasm.
Have you ever come across a stage in your life when you always asked yourself : Life and Death, which should i choose? If i choose life, i will live it with utmost passion and zest.If i choose death it will be the end of everything; my troubles, my friends, my families, my loved. Well i think sometimes death is quite a liberating notion...haha.
So every normal human being...if asked the question of life and death...will most certainly choose the answer 'Life' immediatly. But do they really choose life and live it with zest and passion?? Or do they choose life because they are too afraid of death??? We bother ourselves with selfish troubles, we indulge in them, we allow ourselves to sink into the very depths of depression.It all boils down to a single choice...do i choose life and live it happily or do i choose death and end it all?? Probably the "life and death" question never ever occurred to people before...because they have not experienced traumas and life changing events to actually indulge in the notion of death itself.
So if the question is not asked within themselves.. what do a human being do? They live in the region between life and death....to just survive. Most human beings, including myself, just live to survive...because we have neither chosen life or death and actually living in that decision.We deceive ourselves and say we choose life and live it....but do we really? Do we really live life to the fullest? Me, the loser in my life, the escapist of all my troubles, is wasting my life away by indulging in my troubles and my pathetic past. Or simply running away from the reality of being my sorry self through games and other distractions.
So having said all about that burning question...what is my answer to it?
I choose death...yet i am too cowardly to face the decision of death because of my friends, my family, my love. How i wished i could be extremely selfish and end it all and never face my troubles again. I am too much a loser to tackle my problems in life.I am a failure in life for all these painful years. So now im just plainly surviving... my mind and soul is rotting day by day...every second every minute is a living hel and torture chamber deep within.Everything in my life weighs down on my weary soul...i wish i could just end it all...but i just dont dare to. Maybe i still have that little courage to live on and face all my troubles...or maybe im just too afraid of death.
So now my life is one of death and decadence.A cowardly, rotting soul living in absolute mess and pandemonium within himself. A minute insignificant being indulging in his own sadness and depression..and his only pathetic joy is that of dreaming a passionate and happy life, a life lived to the fullest, a liberating life devoid of his own dreadful shackles. My soul cries every single day, my mind gives up living every single second.I do not believe in gods.Yet everyday in the back of my mind...is a little boy crying for help. A boy shackled deep in the dungeons of depression, a boy who has withstood relentless assault on his mind and soul. He cries for help...but who..who actually has the ability to help him get out of his own dungeon????
No one can help him.Because everyone is still pending on the decision on life and death.They only survive.No one can understand his soul.No one can pull him out of his own quicksand...and he is dying inside his own world...slowly and painfully. Can anyone ever help this little boy? Please...anyone???