a neverending journey of self-discovery and growth...

so here i am again, rambling away with my seemingly senseless thoughts. am i....really just an empty shell? am i someone with no particularly distinctive personality? ....am i juz a plain mirror who reflects whoever i interact with? i dunno, but i think that is what most people think. Oh Dingli ar....he quiet, ya he's nice....ya. and basically thats all people (esp gals) know about me. I dont blame them, that has been how ive always portrayed myself to others. hmm...when will i ever break out of my little shell and show who i really am. but have i found who i really am? dunno.

Maybe i reflect upon my inner world too much. but who really ever seek the truth about themselves? Generally people will juz think, i am me, thats it. But are you being your true self? are you true to yourself? or are you juz being a person who is shaped by how others want you to be? Are you truly happy inside? ....sigh that is what i seek, i think. that inner happiness, that seems to be eternally devoid from my soul.

My self-esteem has never really been showing....i think that really affected how i interact with people. I lack social confidence. I do have a silent confidence regarding my abilities, but when called upon to advertise myself and show people my charisma, i fail pathetically. how can i really learn. And if i do learn, is it all just an act? an act of false charisma and confidence? .....or can i really gain a strong inner confidence such that i will inexplicably exude my own charisma, not because of practise, but because i am just confident being who i am in front of anyone, anytime.

i wonder if im being too idealistic, setting those seemingly impossible level of emotional and spiritual enlightenment. thus far, only my bros know who i really am....others? im juz a 'quiet, nice guy'. what a sad label. what a sad label have i landed myself upon.

how???...how am i suppose to grow out of this shell. will that time ever come? or am i juz looking at the wrong perspective altogether? that is why i am always thinking deeply inside...thinking...thinking....when will it ever end.............