My greatest adversary

I suppose im into one of my blue thinking mood again. Ever since ill reached an age where i can think for myself, ive always been looking inwards to answers. Answers about my life, my goals, my problems. There always seemed to be an endless supply of questions but i can never get them fully answered. One question will always lead to furthur complications. And this is one of the times in my current period of life when i constantly review who i was, who i am, and who i will be.

For years ive been carrying sort of a multiple personalities around. Theres the real me, the one only my brothers know fully of, free of restriction, free of self-consciousness, and full of craziness. And theres another me of total opposition, fully shackled by self-consciousness, shy, quiet, burdened. My life normally revolves around these two personality. And then theres a hidden darkness within me, one that has been scarred by past experiences and events, one that is dark and powerful. Everyday is a battle within myself with my life-long adversary - myself. I seek the truth of the world. But before i can embark upon my life journey, i must first seek to uncover the truth of myself.

Im not too sure whats going on inside me. But i know things are changing, i am taking shape, shaping into a personality which i will take on to my adulthood. Im liking some aspects of it, but there are also some things due for changes.

One of my issues would be : is my quiet personality good? sigh...yes ive been stuck with this issue for many years. But i keep tinking...is quiet really bad? I know in exchange for my lack of social abilities, i have honed my observational skills.

yet when i see how easy extroverts seem to weave into crowds of strangers and acquintances, how fast they garner attention from those around them, and how people favour them for their company....my heart grows ever much colder. I can only sit quietly in one corner and watch the intricate dance of social interaction around me. I observe. But when called upon to participate, i fail bitterly. sigh... i know this is who i am around others, and i try to take heart that someday people will discover who i am under that seemingly quiet exterior.....but who will ever make that effort in this reality?

Just who am I? ...my battle within continues...and i hope 5 years from now...when i chanced upon this post, i have already won the war.