Much to the accuracy of Andy's horoscope analysis, im indeed a person who looks inside myself more than anything else. These days...somehow...i just keep looking inside to try resolve whats really happening. Make no mistake, im still very busy with school and activities. Its just that...i guess i just tend think about too many things...sometimes too complicated, too senseless, or too flighty for my own good. I always wonder y im like that, is it really largely predetermined by the place and time i was borned? Or did past experiences shaped me into who i am today?
Both, i suppose.
Ive always thought that i must face the world out there someday. But before i can do that successfully, i must resolve all issues within myself. Apparently, theres still a lot of work to be done within me. And sometimes i wonder, when will i be ready? Will i ever be ready? I hate to be the peripheral of activities, of conversations, of situations. I want to engage life, i want to be part of actvities. I dont want to stand and observe by the sidelines, as i have for 21 years. Yet, i fear. Or rather, whenever i sense disturbances from within, my consciousness attempts to sink into the deeper realms to reason myself out, thus appearing self-absorbed and in my own world. That is why i thought: i must really resolve whats in before i step out. Apparently, progress is painfully slow and sometimes i really wonder if i can really be able to find my way out of this path all by myself.
Can i just give up trying to solve whats within and just throw myself out to enjoy and grab life without any considerations and worries?.. im still not sure. Im one who usually looks at the path, sometimes taking too long, before i actually make concrete steps. And sometimes, opportunities have already been missed and the path did not look as welcoming as before.
Why am i suddenly having these kinda thoughts i wonder....because....these days....opportunities seem to fly past me so often...yet i was too self-absorbed to make full use of them. Or maybe, its that special someone that make me wonder who i really am now.
Tell me, how do i really step out into the world out there when every step is hindered by my incomprehensible web of unresolved issues?
Haha...but one thing is for sure. I always feel this engine of optimism that never dies even when i force depressing thoughts onto myself. LOL. It is that part in me that brought me this far in life, and he says: WAKE UP YOUR IDEA. LOL.
I guess im a living contradiction. heh heh.
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