mental deprivation

my mind is seriously deprived right now. its been rotting for soo long and only up till now did i feel it. maybe it had rot to the extent that it cant be left unnoticed.
so what do i really want?
maybe now that bulk of my troubles have been chucked aside( not solved, just left aside until something triggers it), my mind stopped escaping to games and start to look for what it really wants.

id better do something soon. or ill really go crazy. waaa....freakin bored.

huh?

Games bore me out nowadays. Right now i just wan to pursue knowledge. As much as i can during this ns period. cant wait to get out and do what i want...but what do i really want? hmm.
sigh i need something to spice up my life...in terms of mental stimulation. All this ns and games is making my mind rot....i need to wake up my brain after so much monotony. better get those neurons charging with knowledge soon. or else ill just become a rotting lazy zombie.

im so bored these days i have to come back here n write something...anything...

i wonder who still see what i post these days.

im a gamer...and the worst thing to happen for a gamer is to have no games to play...argh...

always wonder why i play so much games. ...to escape from the reality...to become another person i have greater control over....to distract myself from my problems and my loneliness...

like every other young adult...im looking for an aim in my life. no idea what is it....i guess...im sure it'll come to me some time after.

what do i do till then? no idea...probably keep myself knowleageable...

bah...juz hang around n chill...

....games...yeah...back to games....its always better in there...always...

this is my time when i struggled for identity.
this is the time when i dream of dreams i might achieve.
this was the time im in my own silly world

when i look back to this phase of my life, i wonder what the future me might think???

its not that bad afterall...
been through hellweek...been through such tough gruelling training.
become more decisive (i think?)
..........
'bah...what a waste of my life'

IM BORED. on leave now. dunno what to do. im not me. but whose to say who i am anyways? sheesh.
been studying deeper into psychology...its sad to know how weak humans are...but hopeful to realise the potential humans can achieve.

been studying physics of general relativituty and quantum mechanics....its a wonder how natural occurances can be summed up be laws.

been studying the chemistry of atoms lately...im still not knowledgeable enuf to dwell into nanotech stuff...but that area intrigues me greatly.

been busy with diving lately...flying to taiwan soon....then to brunei....then wait till ord lo...cant wait to get out of NS.

sigh. my life... i dunno. i guess its more of a frozen pandemonium. messy and juz cant be bothered much to deal with it.

Walk down the moonlit road.
What do you see?
Misery or hope?
Life or death?
Mystery or love?
This is what the moonlit road is all about.
Hope you like it.

zombie

undead. im pretty much like it nowadays. NS i juz blindly follow the shit they throw to me....during weekends its plain eat-sleep-games. exciting.

aimless wandering.

life of decadance.

i'd better start doing something meaningful before my brain really dies off.

Soulless

Distraction of the mind helps to block away my sorrows....yet the bring up other problems.
I lack focus and concentration to complete my NS job efficiently.

My 2.4 run was one of the worst ever. It made me feel even lousier than before...piled with all the depression i have now...it just makes me fall deeper into the sadness.

i dont even know how to describe my inner world anymore. its bascially a big mess.

im tired. im really tired.

i have long forgotten the time when my whole being would smile from within. a true genuine smile from the heart. i have lost it. i have lost my soul.

alternate communications

my mind is well distracted. but my body is telling me otherwise. i have been losing much appetite and sleep. when i wake up...my eyes feel sore...that feeling of soreness when theres too much crying. i guess maybe i cried in my sleep??? i dunno.

when i play games...my mind goes away on painful thoughs...yet some part of me is telling me my heart troubling. Everytime my mind wander...this overwhelming sadness will come over me.
.........

weak. pathetic.

Wall of emotions

ive never been able to freely express my emotions. be it through behaviour or speech. whenever i encounter emotions of depression n sadness, the most effective way i deal with it is to chuck it one side n wall it up as long as i can.

its what im doing now. its what ive been doing my whole life.

when my mum left me alone here. i played games.

when part of my soul left me. i played games.

when i have problems to face. i play games.

so now...im off to play games. before that sadness comes gnawing into me again......

pathetic.

crybaby.

My heart is torn into pieces. Never have i felt this kind of extreme sadness. that kind of chest contractions...the excruciating waves of pain and sorrow. the endless stream of tears. not since the death of my mother have i experience such intense emotion. i...am still not stable to even write about all that im feeling now.

haha. crybaby. all you know is cry...cry...cry...

what can i do??? can anyone tell me???

a part of my soul is gone.

jay chou's songs juz make all my trapped emotions flow out...and its horrible to experience all that sorrow at once...

this is..the most painful experience ive ever gone through. Now i know.

As good as dead.

My soul. my heart. gone. dead.

pain...very very pain. really words cannot describe.

tears juz keep flowing. pain juz keep coming.

let them come....let them come.... im tired.

Return

HI. im back. i wonder if anyone still come to this deserted blog. hope no one does. so here i can begin my journey....to where??? i dont know...