Happiness...?

A few days ago, i chanced upon an interview on tv at CNA. It was an interview with some guy who has done research on "Happiness" and is going to give a talk about it. It was only a brief ten minute talk, but what ive gotten back was words of wisdom that will probably last a lifetime.

So, what is really is happiness? The problem with so many people is that they place the wrong perspective and measure on their happiness. How many times have u heard someone say "ill be happy if i can have...." many times followed by superficials like money, or power, or a car etc...

Actually, happiness is always within our reach, just that we are blinded by so many thing around us in life that we failed to notice what really matters. Sit down, think, recall, feel....what really, truly makes u happy? When you've got one thing, keep questioning and imagining that if u really have it, will it truly make u happy deep down?

After much thought, i realised...ive always been bogged down by grades, responsibilities, schoolwork, pressures from almost everywhere...and somehow lost sight of what matters the most, my own true happiness. Ive been busy adjusting to everyone's needs, answering to everyone else's problems that i have neglected myself.

What truly makes me happy inside...is spending quality time with someone i love,my brothers, my friends and my family. Those are the times i feel free...and just be myself. I love to have some quiet time by myself, taking walks...admiring the beauty of nature...and pursuing wisdom and knowledge. Chemistry's still my passion and i always derive fun learning it, you hardly hear me complaining about chemistry :)

With all those in mind, i shall not let other things in life get to me and bogged me down. Life is out there waiting for me to live upon. I will step out, live life, and be happy.

Happiness is a choice. Half empty or half-full, its really up to u to decide, aint it?

May whoever's reading it have some food for thought and find what truly makes u happy.

And to Dingli of the future, may you have found your happiness and stay true to it.

HI ALL :)

Hello, its beeen a looooong time since ive lastg sat down to blog. Sometimes i feel like writing something down, but after typing halfway i juz lost the mood (cuz suddenly some work or something needs my attention) and cant blog anymore. So lets just hope this post gets posted up eventually, or i have simply just wasted my time.

So, how have i been doing?

Pretty great i must say. If i were to look back 5 years from now, i would say this period is one of the times ive stepped out and really stretched my potential (although i would start to think this is also the period my grades start to falter).

Still, ive always promised myself to live life with no regrets, and so here i am. Yes my grades are definitely far from what ive envisioned it to be. But for the things ive wanted to do, the things ive wanted to try, im starting to step out. Ive taken leadership and responsibilities ive never thought i was able to handle. There are still sooo many things i want to do....so i shall never give up on my dreams and hopes. And as long as i live, i will strive harder to improve myself and that fire within me shall never be doused. ...Its only when you've lived through darkness will cherish every ray of light.....

So now...i must realy work towards my aims and goals...so here now...to whoever's still seeing this...my updates for my life. :)

Friends
It has always been great to have a buncha friends there to support u. :) im really happy that the brotherhood still stands strong after so many years. Despite our extremely busy schedule, all of us always finds that special time to spend together. It can be just a simple meal, over a coffee table, or some buffet dinner. Whatever it is, times spent with every single brother has always been heartwarming and memorable. I am who i am now because of them. But not to forget, ive made some great friends in NUS!!! they are the most fun bunch to be with and definitely the friendship with them will go on for many many years....so cheers!!! here's to all my friends and brothers!

Inner Self
Its been EXTREMELY hectic. I hardly have time to breathe. After one deadline is another and i am chasing the schedule almost everytime!!! Definitely not easy to be in SPS and ScienceClub at the same time! but well im always up for a challenge!!! wahahah. To lead the best rag team, and to strive in academics is definitely what ive been striving to do. Its tough, sometimes stretching myself very thin and feeling like im reaching nowhere for both sides...but im still optimistic that i can do it!!! Tired as it may be, my life is surely fulfilling and filled with many challenges. BRING IT ON!!

RAG
Challenges lie ahead...definitely not something to fool around with. I will be focusing all my energies on this and bringing my team to greater heights. I am very proud of my team and the talents ive been working with...we will surely have a great fun time together and bring Science Rag to ever greater heights! YARRRR!!!

Acadamics
Man...its not been easy handling so many things, but im still enjoying Chemistry. Never had a tinge of regret for choosing Chem. My passion for it still burns...just sometimes i feel ive done injustice to it by not having more time to read up and study for it. For my future, for my passion and dreams, ive gotta do this and do this good.

My partner
Last but not least...the most important woman in my life. haha...yes we r still not officially together, but i am simply enjoying the special moments spent with her. I am truly thankful to have her by my side and we shall spend more time to know each other better. Thank you, for your support and understanding. I will strive even harder, for a better future for both of us :D.

Randomness

Its midterm "break"...ive finally given myself this short time to blog, think about things, and wonder about my life. Theres been alot alot running thru my mind all the time. and i dont really know what to blog exactly cuz theres too much to say.....

Hmm....its been a period of growth and development during the past months. theres always plenty to learn in life, and ive certainly grown stronger as a person. Heres a few perspective ive lived by for a majority of my life and sticks ever strongly till now:

Do not impose on others what you dont want imposed on you.

Live life to the fullest.

Never give up. Believe. Have faith in yourself and fight for your dreams.

...still got more...but...ahh...lost the mood to blog! LOL. the busy mode is coming back...nooooo....

Dream Series

Its been a tiring stake-out with the books. Just before i let the night lull me to sleep i will spare a moment or two to share some of my thoughts ive had settled in the very core of my soul.

Dreams.

The pursuit of my goals in life is the focus of my being, the purpose of my life. How many people have really found what they really want to do in life? Then again, am i absolutely sure that in five, ten years down the road ill still be harbouring the same dreams ive had now? I suppose no one knows what the future holds so i shall not worry myself unneccessary with that, cuz even if my goals change, i am sure i will be focused towards whatever i do. I am a guy who lives for his dreams.

My life has been full of ironies, and my dreams is no exception to it. Its always been a clash between chasing of dreams vs. realities of life. Unfortunatly, my dream of discovery and invention does not exactly meet the requirements of "success" in terms of reality and society perspectives. What does success really mean? Money? Status?

Money is the reality of life i have come to admit, but i shall never let it cloud my mind. For me, material possessions are for the survival in this world. Money makes the world go round. People spend the whole of their lives working to death. For what purpose? Mainly to make ends meet, to make sure you have a roof over your head, your family well-fed, your fines duely paid. Yes you live on, you survive in this world. You become a statistic, a person trapped in an endless cycle, just to carry on living. As days wear on, you grow more tired of life, you bow down to reality, you wait for your time to come. When you look back, will there be something you would be really proud of? Or will there be endless regrets and what-ifs?

I know myself. At the end of it all, its not the size of my account, nor the amount of material possession that matters. Its the life that ive lived. One that ive spent pursuing my dreams, doing what i really love, and being happy in it. Its what ive accomplished as a human being, not how much material possession i have as a follower of reality.

What really fuels me is the pursuit of my dreams, and an endless process of self-discovery and understanding. I know, my dreams may not lead me to riches, but i am enjoying what im doing. Its my happiness that matters. The fulfillment of my soul, the development of my being, and the enjoyment of living a life.

Dreams are my everything, and no one will ever take it away from me.

For my dreams, for my future....Fight on!!!


I'd recommend this site, if you have a dream to follow:
http://www.wisebread.com/can-you-afford-to-follow-your-dreams-can-you-afford-not-to

Life Series

Tired. Exam fatigue gnaws on the boundaries of my soul. It eats into my life energy. Much have happened since i last blogged, and i cant wait to update em. Just abit tired so ill just post a short paragraph. :)

In life, things will never always turn out the way you want it to be. Life always throws you a punch when you least expect it. For me, having come to this point in life, its not about how many punches ive received from my life experiences, its about how ive managed to get back up stronger everytime. I am not one to give up. never.

Even if the whole world is against me and my dreams, i will not give up. Cuz i know it myself - if i lose my dreams, i am nothing.

So keep on fighting. One day i will make it to the top. I can do it, and i will do it.

Whizzing by....

yo! its been quite a whirl on my life right now, so i tot ill just zip by to update myself to myself here. Since im rushing a lab report right now, my brain is working in quite a systematic point form format, i might as well use it. Here's the update so far in my life:

-Science Club Management Committee as Rag Director.
Ive never thought that role was easy and turned out i was more true than ever. Its my first time handling such a big project. The harder it is, the stronger ill become. I see it as a great challenge and i am sure i will learn alot out of this experience.

-Special Programme in Science
In a bid to pursue my dream of being outstanding ad successful in the research field (i have i feeling this dream will get bigger as i discover more of my capabilities), ive joined SPS. Im starting to get more in touch with various aspects of sciences and its been pretty interesting so far, if not time consuming. Ill be looking forward to more in depth research and collaboration with professors who share my passion.

-Family
Im starting to step more into communicating with my family. Thanks to the encouragement of my partner. Im talking more with my dad and sis. Its been great and things are definitely progressing well in my family.

-Friends
Ive been making more friends than ever. The role of Rag director pushes me to go out and meet more people, since the project im running really depends on alot of people power. I have to learn how to socialise effectively and make an impact.

-My partner
dance partner, best of friends...life partner??? Its a mature and stable bond. And its very special. I really couldnt have ask for anyone better. but we wont be together until....

-Myself
Its been crazy inside. After stepping out to the world, my inner world really is going haywire. Things inside sometimes juz stop halfway cuz i have to attend to things in the outside world. I hardly have time for my inner world and listen to my depth of thoughts. Socially, im still in the process of opening up....been meeting alot of new people so im usually more quiet at first...but im sure it'll change in time ;)
Studies....its even more hectic. with so many commitments sometimes i barely have time to finish up things. Its crazy man....24 hours is really not enough. Theres really alot of things to prioritise and think about .

Ok thats the very basic update on my life!!! I guess....its a really fulfilling and challenging phase of my life right now. The days just keep whizzing by.....gosh....

Me and my inner world

Much to the accuracy of Andy's horoscope analysis, im indeed a person who looks inside myself more than anything else. These days...somehow...i just keep looking inside to try resolve whats really happening. Make no mistake, im still very busy with school and activities. Its just that...i guess i just tend think about too many things...sometimes too complicated, too senseless, or too flighty for my own good. I always wonder y im like that, is it really largely predetermined by the place and time i was borned? Or did past experiences shaped me into who i am today?
Both, i suppose.

Ive always thought that i must face the world out there someday. But before i can do that successfully, i must resolve all issues within myself. Apparently, theres still a lot of work to be done within me. And sometimes i wonder, when will i be ready? Will i ever be ready? I hate to be the peripheral of activities, of conversations, of situations. I want to engage life, i want to be part of actvities. I dont want to stand and observe by the sidelines, as i have for 21 years. Yet, i fear. Or rather, whenever i sense disturbances from within, my consciousness attempts to sink into the deeper realms to reason myself out, thus appearing self-absorbed and in my own world. That is why i thought: i must really resolve whats in before i step out. Apparently, progress is painfully slow and sometimes i really wonder if i can really be able to find my way out of this path all by myself.

Can i just give up trying to solve whats within and just throw myself out to enjoy and grab life without any considerations and worries?.. im still not sure. Im one who usually looks at the path, sometimes taking too long, before i actually make concrete steps. And sometimes, opportunities have already been missed and the path did not look as welcoming as before.

Why am i suddenly having these kinda thoughts i wonder....because....these days....opportunities seem to fly past me so often...yet i was too self-absorbed to make full use of them. Or maybe, its that special someone that make me wonder who i really am now.

Tell me, how do i really step out into the world out there when every step is hindered by my incomprehensible web of unresolved issues?

Haha...but one thing is for sure. I always feel this engine of optimism that never dies even when i force depressing thoughts onto myself. LOL. It is that part in me that brought me this far in life, and he says: WAKE UP YOUR IDEA. LOL.

I guess im a living contradiction. heh heh.

Finding Myself.

One of the cores in my life would be whats happening within myself. No one knows it. No one sees it. From my perspective, if i cant get my inner workings resolved and solidified, it will be difficult to fully open up to the world out there and show who i really am. Of course, ive also realised i still need to keep in touch with reality while sorting out my inner self. So now im semi-opened to the world out there while having personal time to resolve my internal issues.

I seek the the acceptance and confidence of myself, for who i am, and for what i am not. Many people have surely wrestled with this idea for a long time. Some gave up, some moved on, some are still embroiled in a sea of emotions.

Sometimes i see how people can live up to the crowd, how they blend into social groups seamlessly, how people are attracted to their energy and charisma. I know im capable of doing that, when i fully 'evolve' and have the confidence to show the real me to anyone, anytime. I know i have that kind of charisma and energy, its just about showing it. The problem comes when i fear how people may not like my true self, how people may criticise, how people may be offended.

I am cautious when in comes to relationships. Thats why people normally would know my quiet self (my shield) first before i can warm up to that person. I suppose after the stuff ive been through i dun trust people easily. I need to know the person, establish some rapport and trust, before i can move on to being myself comfortably.

The sad thing comes in here : My shield has protected me for ages. Yet at the same time it has deprived me of things i want. Having my closest, most trusted relationship removed from my life many years ago has certainly set my inner protective mechanism deep in stone. People usually say im shy or quiet. That is true to some extent...because that is my shield set in position...and i wld say the shield has already melded into me. But trust me, the people who know the real me will never say im quiet and shy. In fact i talk and joke alot with them. Well thats another side to me people seldom get the chance to know.

The reason i do not form close bonds with people easily is because i fear that the closer the bond...the more painful and harder it is when the bonds break off (this reminds me of a certain character in FF8). And so the shield prevents people from knowing the real me, and at the same time, prevents me from showing my true self and feeling close attachment to others. Indeed the shield has worked very well...but sometimes...i feel that ive missed many many social opportunities and fun because of that. Sometimes i feel left out...because im not someone who can lift up the crowd and be crazy, with my shield in place. Sometime i feel that this person has the potential to be a great friend, yet my shield prevents me from opening up and i end up probably giving the wrong signal that im antisocial and quiet...when actually inside im not!!! And sometimes i think, why cant i show the charisma? why cant i display the confidence? why can i just be myself in front of everyone???

Things have certainly gotten better as the years gone by. Im letting down my shield bit by bit, im starting to appear more friendly...though i still cant get away from being quiet when the situation somehow makes me wanna set up my shield. Slowly and surely more people are starting to see my natural self. Yes i still need time. I still need time to accept myself. I need to know that the shield has already become part of me, and should i use it all the time...its natural i cant be who i actually am. And it again boils down to the confidence i need to have. I need to know that i am myself and no one can be me. I need to know that even if people might dislike who i am, and that they might have their criticisms, i am still me. As long as i am confortable with being myself, i will live a happy and fulfilled life with no regrets. Certainly its easier said than done. Progress is being made...ive experienced less turmoils compared to years before.

...oh wells theres still more to be said but im getting tired of typing and translating abstract inner thoughts into words. All the best to me!!!

To myself, follow your mantra : what would you do when you experience no fear? You will reach the skies, you will break your limits, and you will be the best you can ever be. So strive with courage, fight as though your life depends on it, and never ever give up on yourself.

Greater hopes

Hopes and dreams play such a big part of my life. If not for them i wouldnt have reached till this stage of my life...of which i am quite satisfied with..(although there is always plenty of room for improvement). Amidst all the hustle bustle of life in NUS rag...my perspective of life has been getting more optimistic than ever.

Being in Science aint a bad thing afterall. Prospects in Science aint as bad as people say afterall. Friends in Science are great friends indeed. So whats there to worry about?

Modules. Pathing my future is proving to be much of a brain-sapping task. Not that i detest it....i enjoy the control i have over the plotting of my life...but its juz that with all the commitment into rag dance, i do not have the luxury of time to really sit down and have a full analysis of my modular plotting. Well...but im doing well so far... its all about time and energy management. But there are really so many doors of opportunities...i have to maximise my available choice yet still choose the right door to venture into. Man...i love the challenge!!!

Rag Dance. Cant be more fun and crazy. Those buncha peeps are the most fun and happening people around!!! Though i really seem introverted with their super explosive self-high personalities, im really glad they pulled me into it and im starting to open up and be wild too!!! haha..WOOT!!! EXTREMELY FUN!!! but its still tiring to the body..haha.

Social. Friends have always played a key role in my life. Im glad that im making alot of new and close friends!!! A lot of worthy friends are still out there for me to further my understanding. Its been really great!!! I cant wait to get to know even more friends!! :D

Me. Everyday is a great new day (besides crawling outta my bed early for dance and snoozing for 20min every morning). I learn new things, know people better, and know myself better. Im maturing and growing with every experience everyday...everything's looking great!!!

Cant wait for the day we perform for the public at Rag Day and compete for the Chancellor's Shield!!! (Its gonna be ours!!!!). Cant wait for school to start. Cant wait to meet new friends and make closer friends!!!

Cant wait to finally make my first step towards my dream...

Midnight issues...

Im up. Im still up. These days im just sleeping less and doing more. So this is one of the times i feel my mind's exploding with subconscious issues yet i cant pinpoint what is it exactly. My conscious mind is too tired to sift things out for critical analysis of my inner self.

Everyday i learn new things. Everyday i have new ideas. I dunno how to put it...but with whatever conscious energy i have...i could only come up with this:

I am searching. Searching for something elusive in my life. I dont really know what is it. I have clear goals set out for my life...so what is it that im still searching? A sense of security about my future? A feeling of love to make me feel complete? The bonding of friends to make me feel wanted? ..... i cant really pinpoint it yet....but its juz gnawing inside me. Brooding.

I am not one to let my inner troubles subside and fade...i will pull it out, analyse it, and solve the problem. That is how i keep in touch with my inner self, no matter how tormenting it might be to wage war with my inner self. That is how i learn, that is how i grow, that is how i mature.

Maybe its time....my subconscious is telling me...its time i head to a park or a beach to sit down and 'talk' with myself. To think about my life, my heart, my soul.....

Busy...busy...busy

Was trying to post something about dreams, having watched Pursuit of Happyness some days ago on DVD ...but i dun really have the energy to organise my swirling thoughts and type it out here... so ill just go for something casual for this post.

Yep very busy right now. Extremely busy. Never would i imagine myself to take part in science rag dance!!! haha well its hell lots of fun getting involved in something brand new!! but its very tiring, especially when its 4 days a week and 7 hrs a day... on top of my work. The people there are crazy and have self-explosive personalities so i seemed even more so like some quiet freak...aww damned. Wells good thing is they are all friendly people...abit high and crazy like me when i manage to really let go and let myself out. haha...so im sure ill start to open myself up in time to come!!!

The time i have online right now to chill and listen to songs is really a luxury....

For 4 days everyweek i have to wake up at 7.30 am for dance sessions @ NUS till 4 pm and rush back to work from 5 pm till 10 pm. The remaining weekday w/o dance i have to work from 9.30 am till 11 pm to cover up my lost working hours due to dance. (actually its self-imposed cuz i got work responsibilities i cant let go). Weekends? I still work from 9.30 am to 6 pm and theres tuition till 9 pm after that. So everyday i go out b4 the sun is fully up and come back after the sun is way down. If there happen to be ANY free time, they will be given to my bros, my friends, and the sci rag events.

Haha no wonder my IC at work calls me a superman...lol...everyday i have schedules fully packed and everyday i sleep less than 6 hrs... yet i can still keep my spirits and energy up (i think...)

Well im not complaining cuz i really think im making every minute of my life count. Im trying out new things, making many new friends, and still chasing my goals and dreams!!! Aside from some emotional setback...my life couldnt be more fulfilling. 24 hrs a day is simply not enough!!!

Why do good guys always lose out in BGR???

Actually...part of me has already analysed the answer through my past readings in psychology and some personal experiences...but...i still hate to swallow the fact that good, nice guys will always lose out in getting a gal they want to 'bad', or rather guys with an attitude.

Ive heard countless stories. Good, nice guy chases gal, showers her with love, care, concern like no other. Gal accepts it. Then here are the three most general options (i think) when the nice guy expresses his liking.....

OPTION 1 : give him a chance to become a boyfriend. he continues showering her with utmost care and concern. May have long-term relationship depending on personality match. but gal MAY take nice guy's concern for granted, comment theres no spark or chemistry and end it off. (maybe) theres alot of variations to this, but so far ive seen more sad stories than happy ones.

OPTION 2: give him a praise of 'nice guy' as a certificate of recognition for being the nicest guy to her... and stay that way. he will always be her guardian angel, her best friend.pronto.(not that the nice guy wld mind. actually he knows this is coming and will stay contented that way. stupid nice guys. so nice they are dumb)
"stay there for me, u r the nicest person to me. but sorry, we cant work out in bgr. thanks."

OPTION 3: sharp gal sees it coming. Before the nice guy makes any obvious moves of declaration, she drops hints to him to let him know that its not possible. Sharp nice guy either gets it, back off, prob still be her best friend. Or dumb nice guy will juz continue to pursue her until something makes him realise juz how stupid he is.

Haha...these are the few general options ive come up with. Sigh...but seriously i tink theres nth wrong with gals. 'bad' guys with an attitude are always appealing, charismatic, romantic...who wun like em? Nice guys sometimes fail to make the relationship exciting. They cant spice things up. Yes they have all the sweet nice gestures but over time gals may take it for granted. Prob gals want an exciting dramatic relationship than a dull one...i really dunno.

....can anyone enlighten me on this, please? but then again...whose reading this blog anyways?

hey dingli of the future, how will u tink of it then? lost faith in gals liao? become super 'niao3' with an attitude? cant be bothered liao? or are u still the same and is still collecting the recognition of nice guy certificate and compiling them to albums?

I noe i have an attitude....just gotta bring 'him' out.

'hey dingli, u r a nice guy' -_-
yeah i noe...and sometimes...i dread hearing that...cuz that means its gonna be tough being her bf....

Sometimes, when this topic hits upon me....juz sometimes...i just feel...im sick of being a nice guy. but i noe i cant get away from it because my inner core is just that....nice. haiz. I guess its time i accept this part of myself and the truth of relationship reality...

To all nice guys in the world... someday, a gal will step into your life and truly appreciate who you really are. Believe... stay firm, your day will come.

CHEERS!!!!.....y is it i still feel the truth gnawing inside....damned...but....

ALL THE BEST, MR NICE GUYS!!!!

............

The SCAMP experience!!!!

Last week has been a helluva lifetime experience for me. I took part in Science Camp (SCAMP) and i never regret the decision at all....though initially i was getting worried how i might clamp up as always in front of gals there.

Well it turned out very well!!! I managed to break through my social barriars and really made many many friends! Ive never chatted so much with gals before so it was really a refreshing experience for a guy whose been gal-shy for the past 21 yrs. ...I guess for the past many years ive just been seeing gals as aliens..they are humans afterall....though very different from guys...haha.

Back to SCAMP. It was really really great fun! Theres games where i get covered with flour, ketchup, detergent; scavenger hunt where we walked around the campus looking for stuff; mass dance which i really enjoyed; amazing race 'round the island; war and beach games; special pal session; fright night and many more!!!

Ive thoroughly enjoyed myself over the 5 days with each and every activity and its really gonna something ill remember for the rest of my life. The memories still ring clear in my mind....i guess its time to enjoy life while im still young!!!

Grabbing Life...and never letting go

Phew...this is actually one of the few rare days where somehow i have the luxury of half a day at home juz doing what i want to do: chilling at home, lazing around watching tv, night surfing internet with Class 95/933 blasting in my house via that excellent stereo system(yep home alone again!). Theres still some SCAMP stuff to be settled...some admin stuff...but im sure those can be easily done. I haven had the time to focus on my chem for a long long time...juz feels weird to not have chem in my brain for so long....must read up on it later!

Anyway....these days 24hrs a day is simply not enough!!! i still do not have time to commit to everything! i have friends, work, family, colleagues, and few privileged special ones to attend to...theres juz not enough time!!! nowadays im juz rushing everywhere...i simply do not have time to just sit down and find time for myself!!!! oh my....phew...but it does feel great somewhat to have such a busy and occupied life! the only thing ive got to find is that perfect balance to find time for myself...hmm...

Amidst all that busy life, my goal is still clear: i will give my very best effort in chem!!! i will definitely make it!!! heh...juz bring it on!!!

Uncovering the depths

Its been quite a hectic life for the past few months. Mainly with work and friends. Weekdays im busy with work, weekends are always fully book from day till night. Nowadays i hardly have time to juz sit down, chill out, and uncover myself.

That makes any personal time all the more precious than ever.

Having dug deeper into myself these few weeks, ive finally reached the soft spot of my core - my heart. Who really knew that underneath that cold exterior of mine is a hot-hearted guy? Not many i suppose...

ive told myself that in order to really make it in my life, ive got to unleash that inner self thats been trapped within all these years. Easy to say...but its so hard to achieve, and its definitely one of the few self-improvement projects ive been working on myself these days.

Its not as easy as it seems. ....maybe ill go into all the subconscious relationships and stuff when im in the mood. but to sum it up, its to do with acknowledgement and validation. I know i need it, but one of the main barriers i need to overcome before i push my true self into the world out there is myself.

Deep within me, ive always been looking for validation and acknowledgement from others. I respond to everyone's demands at the expense of my own needs. I try to make everyone happy even if i have to be the one to suffer in the end. I withhold my opinions and actions; i hide behind that cold exterior because i do not want any conflict. Ultimately i want people not to hate me, even if it would mean most wldnt even know the real me at all. I would rather choose anonymity than animosity.

But sometimes, relationships is about showing your true self. Some might not like you, but ultimately you will have the chance to find really close friends that will stand by you throughout your life.

So now ive finally found my true self after all these years. Im still fine tuning myself, and adjusting how i should present myself to people. Slowly but surely, im breaking outta my barrier. But after all these years....one of the important lessons ive learnt is that ive been wrong in trying to seek validation of my existance from others.

Sometimes, its the acknowledgement of yourself by yourself that really matters. I am who i am. The person ive actually looked upon becoming for the past few years is actually residing inside me all this while. The person ive dream to become is actually my true self. So now, im starting to learn to accept myself for who i am, and not feel dejected over who i am not. Yes ive got my shortcomings too, but i noe i am a very special person. No one can ever be me, neither can i be anyone else except myself.

This would be my current progress. A crucial step towards my inner development. After ive ingrained my self acceptance....then i can move on to the next stage.....my emotional self....one of the toughest places in my heart that ive always fear tackling.....

Welcome home...

I always have this dreadful feeling when im making my way home after work. While i wait for the elevator to ride up to the fifteenth floor, my heart cant help but sink.
The first step out of the lift always seemed heavy. I dragged myself out of the lift and let my gaze wander upon the place ive called home for the past 8 years.

Dark. Lifeless. Silent.

Empty.

I stood outside the door - It never failed to remind me of the excellent paint job ive done on it.

Fished for my keys - In its usual spot as always.

Pushed open that stubborn door - It always seemed to be semi-stucked.

Sometimes my sis wld be slumped on the sofa watching tv/reading book.

"HI!! kor kor!!!"

"halo! wa work very tired" .....

But more often than not, ill be greeted by silence and darkness.

Nothing out of the ordinary, things have been like that for the past years....but sometimes....sometimes i juz wished...

someone would genuinely be expecting me home.....and when i reached home with a tired mind and body, someone would just be there, greeting me with a warm, lovely smile....

"Hey, Welcome Home!!!"

Destination

I guess the word Destination is derived from the word Destiny. So what would be my destination in life 5 years from now? I asked myself this question during my many thinking times and here is the description of me, 5 years from now!!! This is not a possibility, but something that i believe i will come to be, and something that i will strive to be. Consider it goal setting, but i believe i can do it.

Mr Ong Ding Li. 26 years old. Young, aspiring chemistry student undergoing his Master's Programme. His determination, passion, intelligence, and creativity has made him become one of the few top students around who has a bright future in paving the future path of revolutionary research. He is also an excellent team player who has a natural charisma and the ability to lead his team to achieve great heights. His ideas and perspective are always refreshing and interesting. Although he has reported having extreme social difficulties especially with regards to the female crowd, he has shown no hint of his mentioned weakness. He is confident, charming, and a joy to interact with. He blends into any conversation seamlessly and has a wide network of friends. As a friend, he is loyal, trustworthy and will always be willing to provide a helping hand or a listening ear when in need. But bear in mind he is not a pushover, for his sharp observation skills can see right through your intentions should you try to take advantage of his kindness. As a worker, he is fast, efficient and conducts himself with impressive discipline and determination. As a leader, he is gentle yet decisive. He is not one to mess around with because he always gets his priorities right. He motivates people well and is sharp and focused in team management. He works hard, but he plays hard as well. Theres always a wild side of him that draws people to him. He enjoys socialising with friends and is always willing to commit his precious time to friendships.

.....wahaha....wow....i think if i think long enough the list will never end. But basically this is what i want to become. Of cuz besides having the above description i want to be a happy person, that is of utmost importance. The backbone of my future will be an all rounded guy pursuing his life dream with passion and determination.

I think all that is lacking now is my self-confidence, self-esteem. That, i realised, is the prime barrier i have with regards to displaying my true self. Im now trying to improve myself on this. I realised that once i have that confidence that grows from within, and not dependent on outside opinions, i will be able to show my true self. Once im confident of myself, i can speak without fear, act without doubts, think without worries. I can touch the sky, and i will reach the peak.

Just give me time. And in Year 2012, January 30th. I will become who ive aspired to be. And by then, should i chanced upon this post, i will be thinking, hey 21 year old Ding!!! dammit u missed out way too many points!!! and what u described of me is too understated!!!!!

wahahahhaha.

this is a promised ive made to myself. I hope i will always be reminded of this. Time to do something about my life.... and take the world by storm.

Destiny...

Much have been said about one's own destiny. The discussion never ends. My thoughts regarding my destiny never stopped. So ive always asked myself, what is my destiny?

If destiny is an intended life path governed by fate, then do we even have any freedom in governing our own lives? Is everything about independence, freewill nothing but an illusion. Is my current self a result of moulding by my enviroment and will, or is it predestined that i will become such a person, and everything i do that leads to my current self is also all destined?

Most would argue: Destiny!? Hah! i govern my own life, i live it my way, i am the only person who can change my own life. I applaud their confidence and strength. But i seek the truth. Is what we perceive really the truth? You may feel control over your own life, but ultimately, what you think, how you think, how you respond, the choices in your mind, are drawn from a collection of your past histories, of things you have learnt over the years. So is it your freewill governing your life? Or is it a series of events which has shaped into who you are to respond in such a way? You may think that with a decision, comes endless possiblities. but your past histories has shaped you into who you are, and the decisions that you are going to make, will just become a natural choice that depicts who you already are. It may not be so unpredictable afterall. So is it really freewill? Or is it an illusion of freewill?

Yes the past histories that has shaped you now is so intricately interwoven that you might say it has nothing to do with fate or destiny. But some things dont happen because of chance. They happen because there is no other way it could have happened otherwise. somehow, one way or another, it will still end up with the same scenario. I know this doesnt make sense, but thats how i perceive things.

So enough about the past for now. As i look forward, i wonder if my future has already been set because the path that i will ultimately follow will lead me to the same point, no matter how i walk it. hmm....maybe this post is also predestined because with the things ive experienced in my life leads me to become a person who thinks deep into issues and posts it on the blog. would really like to continue....but these thoughts are still swimming crazily in my head...cant really put into words.

maybe ill continue this discussion someday....if fate permits. but no matter what, ill never give up on working hard on improving myself on every possible aspect. This is who i am, this is how my path of destiny has shaped me, and i believe this path will lead me to much greater heights to come.

a neverending journey of self-discovery and growth...

so here i am again, rambling away with my seemingly senseless thoughts. am i....really just an empty shell? am i someone with no particularly distinctive personality? ....am i juz a plain mirror who reflects whoever i interact with? i dunno, but i think that is what most people think. Oh Dingli ar....he quiet, ya he's nice....ya. and basically thats all people (esp gals) know about me. I dont blame them, that has been how ive always portrayed myself to others. hmm...when will i ever break out of my little shell and show who i really am. but have i found who i really am? dunno.

Maybe i reflect upon my inner world too much. but who really ever seek the truth about themselves? Generally people will juz think, i am me, thats it. But are you being your true self? are you true to yourself? or are you juz being a person who is shaped by how others want you to be? Are you truly happy inside? ....sigh that is what i seek, i think. that inner happiness, that seems to be eternally devoid from my soul.

My self-esteem has never really been showing....i think that really affected how i interact with people. I lack social confidence. I do have a silent confidence regarding my abilities, but when called upon to advertise myself and show people my charisma, i fail pathetically. how can i really learn. And if i do learn, is it all just an act? an act of false charisma and confidence? .....or can i really gain a strong inner confidence such that i will inexplicably exude my own charisma, not because of practise, but because i am just confident being who i am in front of anyone, anytime.

i wonder if im being too idealistic, setting those seemingly impossible level of emotional and spiritual enlightenment. thus far, only my bros know who i really am....others? im juz a 'quiet, nice guy'. what a sad label. what a sad label have i landed myself upon.

how???...how am i suppose to grow out of this shell. will that time ever come? or am i juz looking at the wrong perspective altogether? that is why i am always thinking deeply inside...thinking...thinking....when will it ever end.............

Me? who?

Once again i ask myself, who am i? Different situations present a different type of me. i am like water or air - formless. i have my own properties but more often then not i am shaped by the surroundings im in. U can say im flexible because i have different faucets of me being dominant in different scenarios. But juz like air i am invisible. I do not show my distinct personality except when put to the test. I am hanging around in the background, waiting to be discovered, waiting to be seen. No one can really remember me, no one really knows me. You can say im free-spirited, but sometimes i juz wish someone can recognise my true self. Up till now no one has ever mentioned the one sentence that i wish to hear my whole life. It was supposed to be said by my mum....and that one sentence would really make a whole lot of difference for me...but...im still waiting.....whenever that may be.

I know being quiet has its advantages...i guess...or is this just self-consoling? I can stand back and observe who they really are, what they are really thinking. Sigh...but being quiet causes me to be left out most of the time. I dont really blame the circumstances, who really wants a quiet, non-existant person to have fun around? Who really would enjoy the company of a person who is silent? I am not exactly quiet, juz in my own whole most of the time, and dont really noe what to say when the situation calls for it.

Sigh....i hate this part of myself. yet theres part of me who thinks i am special in this way. but....who else noes? who else would acknowledge me? is this quiet personality me? or is it just a cold exterior i put on to avoid myself from being hurt emotionally?

i dont know. i really dont know....